I May HURT, but I'll HEAL

Wow, this has been an amazing week! I can't quite explain what has happened in my circle of life, but it has been revealed to me that life does go on and it can once again be good.

In my last post I wrote about how disappointed I was by AF's arrival. The disappointment was followed by many tears and a long conversation with my husband. He expressed his concerns that TTC had consumed my life. Secretly, I already felt engulfed by the process and felt as if I were treading water daily. With that said, my husbands suspicions were correct. It was in that moment of conversation that I knew I HAD to make a change.

Change does not come easy and I spent many hours over the course of the next 2 days trying to determine my next move. I decided that I could no longer wallow in pity and throw daily "why me" parties. Instead, I need to focus on other things and push myself to move forward.

This week I felt somewhat normal again, I felt refreshed and determined to take things one day at a time and not fixate on this cycle. Even all the daily tormenting thoughts of TTC have not been as apparent. I've resolved to take things one day at a time and be thankful for life's daily blessings. And, overall, I am proud of my accomplishments. The personal training sessions are going well and I'm enjoying the challenge. My hubby and I took another couple to an NBA game and we laughed and had so much fun! I found recipes and have made some nice dinners and have taken an interest in my life again. All of which feels so good, its amazing!

Honestly, I still encounter "Life's Little Emotional Triggers", but try to not let them derail my day. Instead, I redirect my thoughts to being thankful for all that I do have and not what I lost...and I'm grateful to be able to try again. I find JOY in doing things for others. Today, I made a donation to the memorial fund of a local fallen soldier, "a real hero". My heart breaks for his wife and little baby girl who will never know her courageous father. Her daddy had served 3 tours in Iraq and was so brave. And, although I don't know this brave man personally, my heart can't help but ache for his wife. Loss is loss and it hurts deeply. Please keep them in your prayers.

Lastly, another sweet blogger friend at Baby On Mind, awarded me the "Lemonade" award this week. I was thrilled, as it was my 1st blogger award ever :) It's little things like this that ease us along this path and bring a smile along the way. Thank you so much for the award and know that I am going to pass along this award to some others who inspire me and give me HOPE. Please visit her blog at www.baby-on-mind.blogspot.com

Hugs and love to you all, stay strong, hold on to HOPE and keep the FAITH. We may HURT, but we will HEAL :) I can't promise to always feel the way I do today and I may fall off the wagon, but I'm going to enjoy the ride as long as it lasts! May the sun shine brightly on you all. xoxo

Living in the Present

Last week proved to be a stumbling block for me and once again I found myself in shreds when an uninvited guest walked through my door wearing red stilletos. Yes, AF had arrived once again! I'm not sure why I had such confindence in this cycle being "the one", but I was full of HOPE.

HOPE that had allowed me to feel invincable, to only be left deflated days later. I suppose I was hopeful in that I felt this was going to be our month. I'd charted for the first time and all looked well. My ovulation was proven on the chart as well as on the opk sticks, this was our chance and I felt incredibly optimistic. We baby danced in advance and our timing was "impecable" or so I thought. And, I even had very, very light spotting at 10 DPO! Talk about getting your hopes up! Everything was right...

Yes, it was perfect, until AF showed up 2 days early! When my husband arrived home I went into "fake it till you make it mode" (thanks for the phrase Holly) and had convinced myself I could conquer the stress. However, that mind set lasted mere minutes and I crumbled. What's wrong he asked? We've failed again, I said. That short sentance was followed by many, many tears.

The words "come sit on the sofa with me" came from my husbands lips. Oh what a long sit on that sofa it was and the water works started...flood gates open, I poured out my heart. Flashbacks entered my mind, as we'd sat on this sofa like this one other time, but that time we were both shedding tears as our dreams had been crushed. Now, it only seemed my dream was crushed, as I am married to the eternal optimist.

We sat and talked and my husband selected his words very carefully, so as to not inflict any more undue pain on me. He expressed his concern that this "process" of TTC again was consuming my life. That I seemed to focus on the many things that "could" be wrong with me, when there was no evidence of anything being wrong with me. (other than being heart broken and longing for what should have been) And, that some things just take time...

He was right, I had consumed myself with the process, read way too much and had brought about much undue stress on myself. It's all so unfair isn't it! I only wish I could go back to being naieve and have my innocence back. But, that is not the case. Now, I have to work toward re-claiming my life in the new normal.

My new normal at present is to have FAITH and look forward...no more looking in the rear view mirror. To take my Dr's advice and give things until February and then look at options to speed up the process, if we choose to. That will entail testing of both me and hubby. Thank goodenss hubby is on board for doing his share. I'm aprehensive and nervous, as I fear what the future may bring.

In our conversation, my hubby said that getting pregnant again was not his fear. His fear lies in us sustaining a viable pregnancy...and I thought I was the only one with that fear. He reiterated the need to see the glass half full and not half empty, to live and enjoy all that life has brought us that is good, to enjoy eachother and enjoy date night and a glass of wine. The talk was exhausting, but very healing, an eye opener. Honestly, I knew he was right and I knew that I was obsessing with baby on the brain, but how do you not? All the planning of dancing dates and countless temp takes and peeing on sticks! Who can forget all that work? Fact is, we can't, but we do our best to find other diversions to distract us along the way.

So, here's to diversions and distractions that come to me by way of a new personal trainer! If I can't have a baby bump then I'm going to work on a baby making beach body :) Even my Dr said that I should engage in distractions, as she was so supportive and understanding of the repeated disappointments. If you have any advice on how to navigate the 2ww (2 worst weeks, by my definition) let me know. Until then, I am going to put my BIG GIRL panties on and deal with what life has dealt me...and know that I WILL see a + sign, but just have to keep walking this path a bit longer :)

The Value of a LIFE

Today, I feel compelled to write about something that has been on my heart for quite some time. Since my loss I have tried diligently to navigate this path with grace and poise, but today I seem to be at a loss for both. This post is going to center around the many insensitive, thoughtless, and ignorant things people (who I will further refer to as "outsiders") say to a grieving Mother.

As for me, I find myself having walked 8 months down the lonely road of grief. I know this as yesterday was my 8 month angelversary. While remembering Christian and his brief life in utero I couldn't help but be angered at how the "outsiders" seemed to discount his life. After all, this was my child, who happened to be a living, breathing, being with a little heart beating vibrantly.

When the "outsiders" learned of our loss they offered up a plethora of babble, none of which seemed appropriate to extend to someone who had just lost their child. I recall the outsiders uttering the phrases "you can have another baby" and "it was God's will" and it still sickens me today. Being told "you can have another baby" is as if your pet turtle has died and you'll run to the nearest pet shoppe and replace it. And, the phrase "it was God's will" sends me into orbit, as the God I know does not inflict suffering on his children. These phrases still swirl in my head and I become angry each time I revisit them.

I believe strongly in the Value of LIFE and what it means. And, although the outsiders mean well in what they are saying, they have no idea how these simple words affect the recipient. In these situations I become angry and harbor the emotions so as not to "say the wrong thing", but now I suddenly have a change of heart. It's time that we put our feelings first and let the "outsiders" know some comments are not appropriate. I pray as baby lost Mothers we can educate society on the value of life after loss, whether it be through miscarriage, still birth (I absolutely hate that term) or loss after live birth. It's time to break the silence of this tabu subject.

Our children deserve to be validated whether they ever reached our arms or not. We deserve the opportunity to give our self the gift of grieving their loss. Not to be rushed or pressured to resume life as we once knew it. As every baby lost Mother out there knows, life after loss is never as you once knew it, as we are forever changed. We view everything much differently and I pray we are kinder, more gentle, compassionate, loving souls for having walked this path.

I believe we will heal, but I know the path of healing takes time. There will be obstacles and we will navigate them as best we can given the situation. Life's Little Emotional Triggers will still emerge and the outsiders will continue to do and say insensitive things. However, I am prepared to not excuse the ridiculous comments and behaviors of those insensitive to the Value of a Life.

This journey teaches me so much and I know that one day I will be a better person for having walked this path. Now, I pray for the strength and wisdom to continue walking gracefully despite the fury that fills my soul by the "outsiders". Lastly, I pray the sun will shine brightly on us all and that we will ALL come to know our dream of holding an Earthly child, while feeling the brush of angels wings against our hearts.

RESTORATION of The Soul in 2010

Hello Everyone and Happy New Year!

I've titled this post Restoration of the Soul in 2010, as I feel as if I am in the mode of rebuilding my heart, soul and spirit. The word "Restoration" means restoring or being restored. And, after the past few months I am in much need of being restored and am making a pledge to myself to work toward reclaiming my life.

My first goal was to select a new OB/GYN and go in for consultation and come away with a plan for my future. Goal fulfilled, as I went and spoke with my new Dr who was wonderful, compassionate and optimistic. I talked with her about my concerns and my fear of being "on borrowed time" as I recently turned 37. She asked me how many children I wanted and I replied "if I can have 1 healthy baby I will be content" She followed by saying "how many children would you like to have in a perfect world" I replied "two" In asking these questions she had a clear idea of how aggressive we should be with future treatment options. All in all, we agreed to give things until February before going forward with other options. And, I came away with a renewed sense of where I am on this journey. I now know that "I HAVE A PLAN" and it feels good.

In the meantime, I need to work on myself and take the necessary measures to rebuild my life. I can no longer sit in limbo while the many good things that life has to offer slip through my fingers. Instead, I want to focus on me and be good to myself. I'm looking forward to establishing a new workout routine with my trainer and setting new goals for achieving a greater level of fitness. I want to refocus on my career and grow my business, as I've always loved what I do! Next, I want to learn to make handcrafted jewelry, learn to smock (for my Earth Angel in Waiting) paint with acrylics and use the embroidery machine that has been sitting idle in my closet! I'd love to take some culinary classes at the local Viking cooking school and learn some French cooking techniques. Brush up on my French speaking skills and learn to speak Italian. And, of course I need to focus on finding the daily positives and work to banish the TTC thoughts that enter my head every 30 seconds!

Overall, restoration of my heart, soul and spirit starts by refusing to look in the rear view mirror! Instead, I need to move forward, stay positive, be patient and persevere, while walking this journey. I suppose we call it a journey for a reason :) And, as long as we hold the hands of HOPE and FAITH anything is possible! I won't promise not to fall off the wagon, but if I do, I promise to dust myself off and climb back on.

Lastly, I've included some photos from New Years Eve, which was spent with friends. I was sceptical about the night, but it proved to be a lot of fun and it felt so good to sweep 2009 under the rug! Now I say, cheers to 2010 and may we all be prosperous and see our dreams come to fruition.

Celebrating the Birth of Baby Jesus at Chalk Place Farm

Christmas 2009 took place at Chalk Place Farm, my mother's home that was built in the 1800's. As a young girl my mother would ride the bus past this modest home that sat atop a hill and admire its splendor. In her mind she always dreamed of one day living in the home she so admired, and in later years her dream came true. She now owns her little treasured farm house and it is the place where my brother and I grew up.

This Christmas was a special Christmas, as my brother and his wife and young son would be coming from VA to celebrate with us. We savor having our family together and know what a blessing it is to be in the same place, as we are thankful that my brother is not deployed.

In all honesty, I have to admit the days leading up to Christmas were some of the hardest and most daunting for me. I couldn't seem to lose sight of the fact I should have been celebrating our baby's 1st Christmas and it pained me deeply to be empty armed and not pregnant again. However, I did find peace in knowing I would get to see my "littlest love", my nephew, who always brightens my darkest days. He is 3 years old and the most adorable, loving and snugly little boo boo on the planet. And, I love him to bits, can't get enough of him and we always have way too much fun!

To say the least, I became so absorbed in all things "my littlest love" that my mind was able to take a sabbatical from the hurt and pain that slept within my soul. The hiatus felt good and I forgot my troubles for longer than I have in quite a while. It felt more than good, it felt amazing! For 2 days I was in a bubble of bliss, enjoying my family, my husband and the little body that wrapped around me like a baby boa constrictor. I was happy!

Children are simply amazing and do so much to lift the spirit. Little love is enamored with the Baby Jesus and couldn't wait to bake him a birthday cake. He, Nana and I baked the cake and then he insisted we adorn it with sprinkles, (of course!) candles and sing a proper Happy Birthday to Jesus! We sang with pride and he was content in his efforts. He looked like a Bono protege!

The next morning we woke and assembled at the dining room table for our family breakfast, which at the farm is delicious! Little Love sat next to me in his booster seat and said in his innocent voice "we have to say our blessing" Those words melted my heart and I couldn't resist the opportunity to sneak a photo of him with his head bowed and hands clasped saying "God is Great, God is good.....it was the most memorable moment of this Christmas. And, I knew despite my struggles life could be good again :)

Now, I've introduced myself to the new year. Hello 2010! I resolve for this year to be a year of Restoration. Restoration of my mind, body, soul and spirit. I know it won't be easy to continue this walk along this road full of potholes, but vow to walk hand in hand with HOPE and FAITH in pursuit of our Fairytale.