The BIG "O" Finally Shows!

After what seemed like an eternity...the BIG "O" finally showed! Previously, I had posted on CD 17 and was perplexed as to why I had not gotten a + opk. My normal routine is to wake and tinkle on the golden sticks, as I use the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor and it requests you use 1st mornings urine. To my surprise, I failed to see a surge on cycle days 14 or 15, which for me was not normal. Hummmm??? What's going on I thought? Is this cycle going to be a complete bust?

Determined not to be defeated, I decided to do a little "moon light" check at 8pm (CD 17) that night with the CBE Digital Sticks and there it was....that little smiley face! Whew, talk about relieved!!! All day long I had given myself multiple pep talks, telling myself to not get discouraged, hang in there, it will happen, your body is not broken, maybe the surge was so low it wasn't detected and there's always next month. And, by the way, this is the pep talk "short list" And, yes, I am an official "test a holic".

Again, how exhausting is the baby making business? My life truly IS an open book. And, apparently I am not the only one who has experienced the oddities of intrusive people and sales clerks when making "conception aid" purchases. I like Shandrea's approach best, a self check out line for the TTC set! Anonyminity anyone?

Lastly, I never lose sight of knowing that all the stress, worries, planning, embarrassment and exhaustion WILL be worth the "work" in the end when I cross that FINISH LINE. Many thanks for all the prayers that each of you lovingly sent my way. I can honestly say, praying for the BIG "O" is a first. But, I'm proof that our prayers were answered.

Many hugs and much love to you all. I'm sending a pocket full of sunshine to each of you and hope that you have a wonderful week. In the meantime, I'm looking for distraction during the 2ww.

xoxo

PS I don't think I will EVER view the word "neat" in the same way again! That little 4 letter word is forever tainted by flashbacks of a Walgreens sales "man" that was far too intrested in my purchase.

BIG "O" hurry my way!

Today, I honestly feel as if I am running in circles. It's that hamster on the wheel thing! Around, and around and around and AROUND!

Plan, plan, plan! Take your Temp, Chart your Temp, Pee on A stick, Check your Cervical Mucus, Shoot Robitussin, Over Dose on Pre-Seed...dance the Samba, Rumba, Salsa, Flamenco, Waltz and REPEAT until the BIG "O" hurries your way!

Currently, I am on CD17 and the BIG "O" has yet to reveal herself. I can't help but wonder what the hold up is, as my body usually cooperates on CD 14 or 15. And, I have exhausted my test sticks for my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor, which meant a trip to the drug store to purchase more.

Now, the story gets interesting, as the "tinkle" sticks are kept behind the counter in the pharmacy. These things are like "gold" and weigh in at $49 per box. Thus, you have to speak to a pharmacist or tech in order to purchase them. First stop, Walgreen's, where I ask a nice young man if he has them, to which he says "what's that for?" Making a baby I say. WHAT? Did I just say that to a complete stranger??? He asks the pharmacist and she says "sorry we do not have any in stock, but we can order". In my mind I'm thinking "order, who has time to order ovulation sticks" by the time you receive them I'll be bound in a straigh jacket in the nervous hospital and not need them! I said thank you and headed to stop #2, Wal-Mart.

Approaching the counter I ask "do you have the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor Test Sticks?" The clerk, a nice lady, says "what?" I repeat myself and she says "I've never heard of that, but I'll ask" Loudly, she screams to the back of the pharmacy and says "do we have any of those test to tell you when to make a baby?" Oh dear me, my life IS an open book! The answer is no, have a nice day. Seriously, did I honestly think I'd be talking to an RE who moonlights at Wally World?

Not to lose focus, I head to stop #3, another Walgreens! Back to the pharmacy section where a nice lady asks if she can help me. I go through my routine and she says "I don't think we have that" I look on the shelf and spot "the golden sticks" and play charades with her until she locates the box. She then hands the box off to a weird looking man in his late 50's to check me out. Oddly, he stares at the box, takes time to read the box and looks at me over his large, out dated spectacles and says "Cool, that's neat" and "I had no idea they make these things, is this something new?" Jimminey Cricket, my life is an open book! He kept staring at me...what did he want, a tutorial? And, did he just say "neat?"

All in all, it took 3 stops to acquire the coveted fertility monitor sticks...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Now, I'm praying the BIG "O" will hurry my way! I have an inkling that my new workout regimen has caused the delay, as I've read that endorphin production can have an affect on estrogen and LH. Why is it that we take a step in the right direction to do something positive to only be pushed back? After all, my Dr was the one that said "train for something". Anyone have any insight? or Personal experience with delayed ovulation?

HUGS and Laughter!
xo

Some Things are Better in Tandem...

Hello everyone! Girl with the "Tipped" Uterus here...LOL First, let me say THANK YOU to all of you for being so open and honest on my last post. For those of you who missed it, I was talking about having a tipped uterus and asked for insight on the best/most successful "dancing" moves. Never in a million years did I ever think that "shy" me would ever be openly asking the "How To" question with no inhibitions. And, you came through for me!

Turns out, I got 13 wonderful comments, which were very insightful...and I did laugh with you :) Ironicly, my wonky uterus is no so uncommon, as 6 of the 13 who commented also have a tipped/retroverted uterus. As for "the magic position", refer to the last post and read the results of the experiment.

As I look back at how open and honest everyone was I'm so grateful. I'm reminded that I do not walk this road alone, that I'm surrounded by the best support system a girl could ever want for :) And, some things are just better in tandem.

When I think of this journey I see myself in tandem with so many women with the same hurts, wants and desires that I hold in my heart. I picture a tandem bike and riding along with you all...UP HILL. We peddle hard, we are exhausted, but we push on to get to the top. In the end, we are successful, as the task is much easier when you ride in "tandem".

Keep peddeling...I'm right along side you :)

Girl With a "Tipped" Uterus

Hello to all my sweet blogger friends! Today, I wanted to post something that many of you may not know about me. "I'm a Girl with a Tipped Uterus" Oddly enough, I never knew this about myself until I became pregnant and my Dr said "you have a tipped uterus" and did not elaborate. Since then, I've researched the subject and have found some intresting facts.

What is a tipped uterus?

Answer
from Sandhya Pruthi, M.D.


A tilted uterus, also called a tipped uterus or retroverted uterus, is a normal anatomical variation and shouldn't interfere with your ability to conceive.

In most women, the uterus tips forward at the cervix. In nearly 20 percent of women, however, the uterus leans backward, or tilts, at the cervix. In the past, it was thought that a tilted uterus may contribute to infertility. But experts now know that the position of the uterus doesn't affect the ability of sperm to reach an egg.

Now that we've heard from a Dr. I need your help :) Do any of you have a tipped/tilted or also refered to as retroverted uterus? If so, do you have any conception tips to pass along? I've read the following and can't believe I am going to post this info on my blog, as I have always been such a private person. But, anything is fair game now, as my life is an open book :) So, here goes...

1) Most advantageous position in which to baby dance: rear entry position, as it allows sperm to be deposited closest to the cervix.

2) Lay on your tummy with a small pillow under your hips for 30 minutes to 1 hour post baby dancing. Allowing sperm to reach the cervix.

3) Missionary Position and ask your partner to pull slightly away from the cervix when he "makes his depo$it", so the sperm don't pool behind the cervix.

Any insight on what's most advantageous would be appreciated, as I'd like to know what's worked for anyone. With my 1st and only pregnancy (which ended in loss) we paid no attention to "details", as I had no idea my uterus was tipped. Which I suppose is good news, as we did nothing out of the ordinary :) LOL

Still can't believe I am posting this, but if it helps someone then it was worth it :)

HUGS!

What No One Ever Told You About this Journey...

A few months ago I read this post on another blog and have wanted to share it ever since. I can honestly say many of these thoughts have swirled in my head over the past 9 months. In sharing, I want to reiterate to all of you whose dreams are on hold, these feelings are natural and felt by countless ladies, just like you. So, don't beat yourself up when one of these "thoughts" creeps into your sweet head :) Guess what? You're normal!

I don't know who authored this, but to "her" I would say:
HUGS, High Five, Well Said and I drink to that! Now, I must go POAS! LOL

Just keep BELIEVING, have FAITH and never lose sight of HOPE!!!

Mark 9:23 EVERYTHING is possible for him who BELIEVES.

What No One Ever Told You About this JOURNEY...Insight from an INSIDER
*That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy. *That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment. *That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time. *That the longer you Try to Conceive, the more Pregnant women spring up around you. *That deep down inside, you can be a very jealous person. *That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period. *That you should have gone to medical school like your mom wanted, because you've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with you, you might as well be an M.D. *That you would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors you go to. *That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm. *That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines... until only one shows up every month. *That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work, too.) *That you have no control over some of the goals you set. *That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change! *That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside *That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby. *That miscarriage is so common. *That you would wish you had started TTC earlier. *That your friends' pregnancies would start to make you sad instead of happy. *That you wasted A LOT of money on birth control! *That you'd EVER be willing to stab yourself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get you PG. *That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school. *That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen. *That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby! *That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed! *That you could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary. *That you would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell your DH about it. *That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes you sad and when they tell you they have good news, you hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Ha! *That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast. *That had you bought stock in Clearblue Easy, you'd have your mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now. *That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid. *That having aunt flow show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in. *That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last. *Feeling like you wish your life away in two-week increments. *That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad. *That a group of "strangers" who you will probably never meet, have now become your "best friends" when it comes to ttc. *That you would splash urine on your face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it. *That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy. *That infertility is more common than you think. *That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar. *That one day all of this will make you stronger. *That no one you know (in your non-trying to conceive (ttc) life) would have any understanding as to how you feel. *That your temper and patience are much shorter than you ever thought. *That infertility is not as rare as you were led to believe. *That you would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and would burst into tears upon hearing their news. *That your faith in God would be tested heavily. That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence. *That you are very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies *That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say. ***** * That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to." *That you'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least you know what's wrong. *That you would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation. *That you could spend so much time and money on figuring out what your body is doing (or not doing). *That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?" That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. You had no idea your uterus could be misshaped. *That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems. *That some people just say the wrong things. *That a simple blood test costs $648! *That sex would ever become a chore! *That actually having a miscarriage would allow you to understand the loss that others have felt. *That miscarriage would make you want a baby even more than before! *That you would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling you "I know how you feel..." *That DH would be overly concerned that our Baby Dancing positions were the most effective ones *That you would become NUMB to the wonderful world around you that you already have *That you would become addicted to POAS (peeing on a stick) and not sleep at night because you couldn't wait to POAS in the morning! *That you would be so sad, and ashamed. *That you would learn to speak in code, like "I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN!" *That when AF showed up you would feel broken and dysfunctional. *That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks. *That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak. *That people would pity you and feel sorry for you. *That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy. *That you would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...) *That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief. *That you would have to schedule a Baby Dancing session so Dear Husband could do it in a cup a few days later. *That your friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before you get pregnant with #1. *That you wouldn't be able to attend your friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the question, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?" *That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down." *That you would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day. *That it puts this much strain on a marriage. *That you spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now you can't seem to lose the witch! *That you would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world you want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk you out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to you. *That being overweight would cause people to ask when you're due, which in turn could cause you to cry. *That you would yell at commercials on the TV. (That "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.") *That you would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows you love) because it just hurts too much. *That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. *That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy or STD every time. *That your body has its own mind. *That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone. *That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c Aunt Flow showed. *That the human body and what it actually takes to conceive is so complex that it's amazing anyone ever gets pregnant in the first place. *That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for. *That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. Yep. *That you feel useless as a female. *That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children. *That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amount of the required "hormones" or doing what it should know how to do.

Love, Many HUGS & BABY DUST to you ALL xoxo

"Special Person" Day

Everyone needs to feel "special" right? Last Friday I was fortunate enough to be invited to "special person" day at my 4 year old neighbors pre-school. Each child was asked to select a "special person" or "grandparents" and invite them to school to have lunch with them and watch them perform in a play. To my surprise "cutie pie" invited me to be her special person. I don't know who was more excited...her or ME :)

Excited to be part of such a special occasion I arrived to her school and entered the reception hall, FAITH hall. As I gazed around I noticed a beautiful banner that read "We Walk by FAITH, Not by Sight" and I knew I was in just the right place.

Slowly, I turned around to see Cutie Pie running toward me with a bright smile and the sound of giggles filled the air. I reached down and gave her a big hug and told her how happy I was to see her and how I could not wait to see the program they had been working on. Oh, to be 4 years old again and carefree!

We walked into the auditorium and Cutie Pie showed me to our seats and then followed her classmates to the stage where they began to perform. What a great show! They sang several songs, of which Zippidy do dah was my favorite, then we all joined in for The Hokey Pokey! Yes, we hokey pokey'd, ME and all the Grandparents, as I was the sole "special person". What fun!

The program was followed with a brown bag lunch and a sweet prayer by a minister. During the prayer the minister spoke about "how special children are" and what a blessing they are in our lives. How incredibly true and how those words touched my heart. I have to admit it was bittersweet thought, as my mind raced in a zillion directions.

All in all, it was a great day! Cutie Pie had so much fun and I let her over indulge in brownies and cookies!!! I was reminded of what it will feel like to someday have my own child to share special moments like this with. But, more than anything I was reminded to "Walk by FAITH and Not by Sight"

May the sun continue to shine brightly on you all as we continue this walk while holding the hands of HOPE and FAITH.

Life is Like a "Box of Chocolates"...

Valentines has always been one of my favorite holidays. As a little girl I looked foward to making my valentines and delivering them to all of my classmates mailboxes that were carefully crafted to hold the loads of cards from friends. We'd have Valentine parties and over indulge in chocolates, cup cakes and all things from the land of sugar. Those days were oh so sweet!

Oh, if I could only go back to those days when life was simple and innocent and I was much too little to know life's cares. Today, I still enjoy the nostalgia of opening a beautifully wrapped heart shaped box of chocolates. However, in doing so, I'm quickly reminded..."Life's is truly like a Box of Chocolates, you never know what you are going to get".

This quote has never rang so true. Just a few weeks after Valentine's 2009 we received the most wonderful "gift", a Big Fat Positive! We were elated, overjoyed and in awe of the wonder. Little did we know that Joy would be short lived.

It's true, you never know what you are going to get, but I wouldn't take the experience back. I feel so blessed to have created a little miracle and to have known a love so deep and pure. I try very hard to not dwell on what could have been, but more on what "will be". Hopefully, Cupid will shoot his arrows of love our way and we will see that BFP again real soon :)

Happy Valentine's day to all of you and may the light from above shine brightly on you all.

xoxo
ps Happy 1st Valentine's day in heaven my little "Firefly". xoxo

I had an Epiphany...I want to be Pizza Mommy

The title may seem a bit strange, but when I finish my epiphany you will understand why. Today, I planned my day around being home to watch Oprah in real time. I didn't want to watch it recorded, but wanted to sit and watch the show in the flesh in real time, 4pm Central time.

Today's OPRAH show was one that featured Celine Dion as the guest. I'd seen the previews and knew it was a must that I watch. In the past, I stood in awe of her grace as she battled the disappointments of infertility and her husbands cancer diagnosis. Through the many curve balls that life threw Celine she remained faithful as she endured alternatives in the world of infertility. I was amazed by her strength so many years ago, but had no clue at the time that I would someday share the pain that she has felt.

Although she is a celebrity, she remains very grounded and very open and honest about her journey. On todays show OPRAH asks her about a recent miscarriage (in August) and she talks openly about it. She even goes so far as to say miscarriage is something that is not talked about openly. She tells OPRAH that its okay to mention her loss, as she sees it as a part of life. Later, she reveals that she wants another child and this will be attempt #5 and that she's hopeful it will end in success.

The most poignant segment of the interview was perhaps the most simplistic. Celine is talking about her 9 year old son Rene Charles, who is her miracle baby, her rainbow baby through the storm of life. She tells OPRAH that she takes him to school every day and he is the JOY of her life. Then, she says "I want to be a Pizza Mommy", and I cried! That phrase resonated with me, as its the simple things about Motherhood that I have the greatest desire to experience. I had an epiphany, I too want to be a Pizza Mommy! She was refering to taking pizza as a treat to her young son's school :)

Overall, the show was wonderful and uplifting. To the majority who watched the show, it was most likely about a celebrity who just happens to be a phenomenal singer. But, to a Baby Lost Mother, hearing her speak was food for the soul, rejuvenation of the spirit, and confirmation that dreams realy do come true despite struggle. And, the show ended perfectly with her singing Hallileujah with the Canadian Tenors. What a beautiful story of HOPE.

I hope that each of you have a wonderful week and may you always feel God's grace. Sending you sunshine and prayers. xoxo