What a Husband doesn't Feel

In the past hours I was not certain what my next blog entry was going to be, but during some reflection time I realized that I wanted to write about something that continues to tug at my heart strings.

The Topic: What a Husband doesn't feel

Bear in mind, I'm writing from my own personal point of view and my own personal experience.

A husband doesn't feel the "same" joy and excitement as a woman when she sees those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test or the mere words "pregnant". A husband doesn't feel the confused thoughts of "is this really happening" and the uncertainty attached with the journey that you have just embarked on. It's official, you are going to be someones mother.

A husband doesn't feel the flutters and pinches as a little life is forming and taking up residency in the womb. He doesn't feel the oddities and wonder what is happening "in this moment". He doesn't rush out to buy the latest copy of What to Expect When You Are Expecting and rush home to pour over the pages in search of what is to come. He doesn't feel the anxiety and bliss all in the same breath, not does he feel the queasiness and waves of uncontrollable nausea and the need to reach for saltines before you lift your head off the pillow. Nor does he feel the relief of knowing its all going to be worth it in the end.

A husband doesn't feel the same uncontrollable JOY and mesmorisation of looking at an ultrasound screen to see a tiny little flicker beating away. And, a husband doesn't feel the same heart wrenching pain and despair as you return yet for another ultrasound to see a baby that lay sleeping...no flicker. He hurts, but the hurt is not the same, as this child was created together, but shares your body.

A husband doesn't feel the wave of emotions that wrench the soul when you are told its necessary to medically bring things to a close. He doesn't lay awake all night on a tear sodden pillow holding his belly caressing the miracle you created one last time. He doesn't endure the long wait to enter an operating room to emerge damaged emotionally and physically drained. He doesn't lie in a recovery area adjacent to Labor and Delivery in a semi sleep and see a nurse show a brand new baby to the nurse sitting along side you tending your case, as she thinks you are still sleeping.

A husband goes home with a bruised heart and while you go home broken and empty armed. He doesn't find himself taking on a new identity in the months to come and assuming life in the new normal. He doesn't fight every day to put one foot in front of the other while fighting back tears on repeated occasions. He doesn't cringe when he opens a birth announcement or count the days of how old your child would be. And, he doesn't find himself troubled by the sights of pregnant women and wilted by a simple pregnancy announcement.

A husband doesn't have to come to terms with starting the process again with a damaged heart. He doesn't have to stare in a mirror and look at a damaged spirit. He doesn't doubt his bodies abilities and wonder if he's broken. He doesn't have to gear up to pee on sticks and stalk fertility signs. Nor, does he have to live his life in two week increments to see if all the effort pays off. He doesn't have to suffer repeated defeat when a new cycle starts and he doesn't have to ponder the possibilities of "what if" a zillion times a day. He doesn't have to make numerous trips to the Doctor in search of what's wrong with me and endure countless blood draws to be told "just keep trying". Or, face more agressive means to realize a dream that you will both share.

There are countless other examples....

However, what a husband DOES feel is loss. He's lost his child and he's lost his wife to grief. He takes on the role of being the strong one, the positive one and the one who has faith in what the future holds. He tells you he loves you and tells you that you are pretty. He hides his fear to give you strength. He asumes the role of protector. And, he desparately wants the old you back, but you are changed.

Forever changed.

PS These are my own personal individual thoughts...and my way of working through the pieces in order to find peace.

Thoughts From My Jammies...a day in bed

Today, I am blogging to you as I sit in my comfy bed, in my cute new Jammies and Bunny Slippers, listening to the pitter patter of rain as it falls against my gutter and am reflecting on all that flutters in my mind. I wish I could say that I had awarded myself the day off, but that is not the case. Seasonal allergies have touched me with their magic wand and voila, I feel icky. Thus, I decided to take advantage and pamper myself in between the sneezing and have a pile of Kleenex a mile high...thank God for Kleenex.

As many of you know, the results of my latest test were not exactly what you would call desirable, but you deal with what you are dealt. Thus, the local fertility clinic is in our future. Words can not even begin to express the many thoughts that have swirled in my head. It was if I were on a run away train!

Isn't it ironic how a Dr. or nurse can call and give you a result and not elaborate on its meaning? I listened as my Dr. spouted off my number and said "not great, but not terrible" and we need to go ahead and get you into the fertility clinic. I was left in shreds and found myself desperate for answers. So, against my better judgement I consulted Dr. Google. I learned my situation may require more aggressive means of treatment, but in no way am I out of the race. In fact, reading another blog gave me the greatest HOPE that I've had in days. Thanks Maddie!

However, I am struggling a bit, and talked with hubby last night and expressed my fears and uttered some words of concern. Always the optimist, he said "how can you put all your FAITH in one number, one lousy number?" I told him we needed to prepare ourselves for some aggressive measures and he said we would do what the Doctors advised us to do. I then asked what we would do if they would not help us and he said "we will get a second opinion". I pressed on by saying "what if this does not work out?" He replied "it WILL". I said "how do you know" and he said "I just know, cause I believe in US". It's official, I married an optimist, a real glass half full kind of guy. And, in that moment I willed myself to adopt my new mantra, "I'm in it to WIN it!"

Earlier today, my sweet hubby actually made the appointment, as it was best he call so as to work out a time/day that best fits his schedule. He informed me that we have an appointment on June 6th, but he asked the receptionist to call us if they had a cancellation. I pray that some sweet soul out there wanting a baby gets knocked up and we get her spot :) Jumping line in this case is warranted! Otherwise, we will wait our turn.

Now turning to random thoughts:
1) I got the sweetest card in the mail this week, from my sweet friend Nan, who wanted to lift my spirits. The card read:

Remember that After the Rain
There is a RAINBOW...
and if you can't find one
I'll come and paint one on your ceiling MYSELF!

Is she just not the absolute best? A girl could not ask for a sweeter toe twin :)

2) Fertility Clinic. I ponder the name, as I suppose it earned the name as you go there to become "fertile". Almost sounds like a drive thru term.

3) Licenses: Have you ever thought about how we have to obtain licenses for EVERYTHING? We have to have a license to drive, carry a fire arm, operate a business and even to FISH. But, any ill equipped person can be a parent...no license required!

4) Am I the only one with bump radar?

6) Lastly, on a very serious note, please PRAY for a sweet blogger friend. Pray for A, as she will under go surgery soon to remove an undetermined growth. Pray for all to be well. I want to keep her anonymity, as I don't feel comfortable linking to her blog, but GOD knows who you are praying for :)

Remember:

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all. "
-Emily Dickinson

Much Love,
xoxo

My Hero

As many of you know, last Friday was the day that I received my test results, which in the words of my Dr. were "not good, but not terrible". I tried all night Friday to find every ounce of optimism in my particular situation and fought back tears of the unknown.

Later that evening, as I was checking emails, I learned that our dear friends Sweet and Sweetest were making the trip from NC to the town 1.5 hours away in which we used to live for a visit. Sweetest has been battling pancreatic cancer since last June and has just completed the "whipple" procedure, a surgery to remove a portion of the pancreas. This procedure was not possible a year ago, as her cancer was not treatable through surgery. However, being the amazing, tenacious, faithful woman that she is she journeyed on. She endured endless chemotherapy and radiation in an attempt to shrink the tumors and perhaps become a candidate once again for surgery. The cancer responded and she just completed the surgery...thus a road trip to celebrate was in store!

Once I learned of her visit I knew that I had to put aside my own pain and disappointment to celebrate a beautiful woman who has been fighting tenaciously for her LIFE. Did I feel like going to dinner with 22 people? Did I feel like making an hour and a half trip to a neighboring town? Did I feel up to the task? NO. However, I was quick to remind myself that this night was "HER" night and was not about me or my troubles. It was a night to celebrate someone who in fact IS a "MIRACLE". Thus, I knew without doubt that hubby and I had to go.

When we arrived at the restaurant we were immediately greeted by dear friends who shared hugs and love and told us how much they missed us. It's kind of funny, as this group is a 55 and over group, sans hubby and I, but they are amazing! We met them at our old country club and they welcomed us into their tight knit group.

The night was one of many laughs, lots of toasts to Sweetest and the warmth of friends. I forgot my woes for a bit and it felt good. Yet, I could not help but look at Sweetest and think of how amazing she was and how she was my HERO. If I only had her immense FAITH in GOD, as it is unwavering. She stands firm on that rock and says "he" remains her catalyst to success...and she is grateful. More than anything I was grateful to be given the chance to see her and squeeze her in my arms and tell her how much I LOVE her and that she is simply amazing.

Overall, I suppose if you look hard enough, you can always find someone who has a situation worse than your own. This night taught me that I am richly blessed and that I am not broken, maybe a little bruised, but not broken. GOD does work in mysterious ways, as he showed me my blessings in my hour of despair. And, he placed a miracle in my sight. My HERO.

The truth: Everything IS possible for those who believe.

Sometimes You Just Have a Feeling

Hello Blogger Friends,

As many of you know, I went in this week for an FSH blood level count. After 6 months of trying on our own, following loss, we have been unsuccessful. My test was done early Tuesday morning and as of 4:45 today, Friday, I had not been contacted with results. So, what's a girl to do?

Feeling as if I'd given them ample time to call me I decided to call the clinic. I spoke with the receptionist who asked me to hold. Then, a familiar voice came on the line and said "Hello Andrea, its Dr. Fix It". My heart sunk, as Sometimes You Just Have a Feeling. This could not be good news, as I was speaking to my OB and not her nurse. She began by saying "things could be Better, but they could be worse". I melted. Trying to compose myself, I listened, and she said your FSH level is 10.3 which is border line. She went on to say that she was contacting the fertility clinic and we needed to speak with them to discuss further options.

Optimistically speaking, I'm grateful for my 10.3, as it does not signal defeat, but does not signal victory either. For me, it signals uncertainty and more worry as to what the future holds. I am in fact BORDER LINE. However, I am grateful that GOD gave me the strength and will to be aggressive and be an advocate for myself. If I had listened to my previous physician I would still be hanging out and thinking all was well. My gut told me differently, and I sought out a new Dr. and was pushy in letting her know I wanted to know where I stood. Now I know.

This is not the end of the world, but it sure did put a damper on my day. Another chapter is unraveling before my eyes and I'm not certain how much further I am willing to go. However, I am certain of one thing...GOD is constant. He will walk with me and guide me through this storm, just as he's guided me before. And, so long as I hold his hand and those of HOPE & FAITH I know one thing for sure "anything is possible for those who believe".

If any of you have any insight into the world of FSH levels or stories of your own, please feel free to share.

Love to you all
xoxo

Dr. Fix It, can you fix me?

Today started with an early morning visit to see Dr. Fix It. Thank you to my sweet friend Deni who bestowed this name on her, as she is confident in Dr. Fix It's abilities to Fix "me".

The appointment was for a blood draw to specifically check my FSH level. As usual, being the reader and novice scientist that I have become I went prepared with questions and other tests that I thought might be of value. So, I asked the nurse what blood work she was getting and she replied FSH. I asked if that were all and she said yes. Her response prompted me to ask for some other levels to be checked. In short, she spoke to Dr. Fix It and she said no other test need be drawn. What?

Nurse Poor Attitude, proceeded with the blood draw attempt and appeared to be having trouble locating a vein. Thus, I told her that my right arm might be better and easier, as that is the arm that seems to be most cooperative. She informed me that I should have told her that! That's when the water works started...

Assumption 1, I am not some patient here for a routine blood draw. Instead, I am a girl who has been through her fair share of trials over the past 10 months and the mere thoughts of what lies ahead is particularly daunting in this very moment. Not to mention the thoughts my mind conjured up in association with all the many blood draws post loss. With that said, she took my blood and I looked away with glassy eyes willing myself to do whatever necessary to survive this challenge.

Next step, talk with Dr. Fix It. Dr. Fix It and I chatted about my fertility woes and she asked the usual questions of "are your cycles normal, etc... Does this make 6 months of trying? Yes. I asked why ovulation was delayed and she said that 3 days delayed was not a problem. Good! She continued to draw diagrams of ovaries and a graph showing how we start with estrogen production and the the progesterone takes over. Okay, I'm thinking to myself "I know this drill, woman I have read all of this again and again, you are not dealing with a newbie" At any rate, she was patient and kind and I appreciate her. Our conversation moved on to her asking how I felt about "where we are". I expressed that I did not want to spend another 6 months doing nothing. Instead, I wanted to feel as if I had gathered information, looked at my options and then I could make a decision as to what course (how aggressive) I wanted to take. She then said "I will refer you to the fertility clinic for a consult. Done.

However, there is a clincher to my story of my mundane trip to get a simple little FSH level drawn. I failed to mention that while I was pouring my heart out to Dr. Fix It there happened to be a med school student observing. Yes, that's right, someone in my personal space looking and listening on as I talked about loss and my fertility escapades. A VERY Pregnant Medical Student!!! Talk about uncomfortable and fighting back tears. At one point I remember talking about my loss and looking directly at the med student...she looked at the floor. Awkward for us both. My thought "is this really happening to me?"

All in all, my strength was tested yet again and I may have bent, but I didn't break. I Thank God for being that constant calm in times of great need. As for my test, I don't know the result, but am glad to have it behind me. Where we go from here remains to be seen, but what I do know is that I am tired. I need some "me" time and I need to take a breather. Overall, I'm not sure how far I am willing to pursue all of this. My plan is to take things one day at a time and evaluate my options, not give up or give in and stay the course...remain optimistic and remain confident in my body. No temping, no charting...just a little more casual approach to things and ask God to direct my steps.

xoxo

"Today I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be taken up and cast into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."

Mark 11:23-24

Letting Go...

To every thing there is a season...a purpose under Heaven

For me, the time has come to simply "Let Go". It's been 10 months since my loss and 6 months of the 10 have been spent on the journey of TTC again. Time seems to have passed slowly, yet quickly and has taken its toll on my physically as well as mentally. One person can only bear so much.

The time has come to work toward looking at things from a new perspective. A new perspective of loving ones self enough to release the inner soul from the day to day hell that suffocates mere existence. The time is NOW.

I've become tired of being tired and weary from the constant mental challenges of temping, charting and peeing on a stick...all to stare disappointment in the face one more time. The process is exhausting, daunting and mind bending. I deserve better and look forward to some time away from being consumed by TTC. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way throwing in the towel, but am giving myself the precious gift of permission to simply take a break from the madness.

This cycle brought about much anxiety, as ovulation was delayed until day 17. Normally, I see a +opk on days 14-15 so this was upsetting. Was my body failing me? NO, my body was most likely reacting to the endorphin rush from a new work out schedule with a trainer who has raised my fitness level. I questioned stopping my new work out, but opted against it, as I refuse to compromise any more of my life for the sake of "maybe" getting pregnant. Before my loss, I did not change anything! I had my morning cup of regular coffee, enjoyed a glass of wine and didn't scrutinize every aspect of my diet. Post loss, I am dissecting everything! And, its time for that to STOP. I will be cautious, but not a fanatic.

When we face disappointment I believe we should reward ourselves. Instead of crying in disappointment over this failed cycle I rebelled! First, I soothed my wounds by indulging in a Starbucks cafe mocha, FULL strength! Then, I stopped by my favorite wine store and bought a bottle of tasty chardonnay. I ate chocolates and took myself for a little retail therapy and bought some new clothes. It didn't just feel good, it felt damn good!

More than anything, this "struggle" has reminded me of one thing...ANYTHING is possible if we BELIEVE. I'm willing myself to spend time indulging in myself and believing in MIND over MATTER. Believing again in "me" and knowing my body is competent.

I've also been "forced" to face a harsh reality, a reality that pertains to ME. In no way do I want to project this onto others, as every one's struggle to conceive is VERY different. However, pertaining to ME, I believe my pessimism and anxiety have hampered my ability to conceive. My stress level has been off the charts! Not to mention "the outsiders" telling me to relax has not helped...honestly, it angered me beyond words, but maybe they are on to something. It's time to let go...not of a dream, but of the negativity and pessimism. Open my arms to the "good" and reclaim my life. Not follow the book to the letter, jay walk if you may and leave the rest in the hands of the one with the Master Plan :) This will not be easy, as I am a type A personality with high expectations and the need to be in complete control. But, its worth a shot!

Step one in letting Go is to make a list of all the things that "need to be done", that have been neglected over the past 10 months. And, the first item on that list is "be good to ME". Next, I will go in for the blood work and testing that I'm due this week. What comes next, I don't know, but I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I'll be holding the HANDS of HOPE and FAITH.

Much Love and thank you for Walking with ME.

XOXO
ps I'll leave you with this thought that Stacey left on my blog on a day when I was feeling blue...I look to it for strength

This is what the LORD says—he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters...
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

Weathering the Storm

Weathering the storm is easier with friends....friends who understand your journey, as they are walking it hand in hand WITH you.

In May of 2009 I found myself in disbelief as my excitement and pregnancy bliss had come to a close and I found myself isolated and broken. After immersing myself in work for days and running from life's realities I felt desperate. I was desperate for someone to tell me how to weather the greatest storm of my life.

Never had I felt such emotions and it was if I were living a horrific dream. The days seemed long and the nights seemed longer. I couldn't seem to find my way back...I was slipping and I was hurting. No one seemed to understand and I felt alone.

Then, one day, desperate for answers, I was googling miscarriage and happened upon the site Our Miscarriage. Curious, I entered the site and read the many postings of heart wrenching stories, many like mine. I visited and read and cried, as these women knew my pain...they were living it! Finally, I gained the courage to post on the site and little did I know it would change my life forever.

Becoming a part of an on line support group was the furthest thing from my mind, yet it soothed my aching heart. It was here that I met the 4 most wonderful women in my life. Slowly, we entered each others lives and found a common thread that will never be broken. We had a common bond, we'd all lost babies with in weeks of one another and we were trying to survive.

We came to be known the FABULOUS 5 Some. And, to this day, we are each others champions and cheerleaders!

I'll introduce them one by one:
First is Nan, who came to us after the loss of her beloved triplet girls, Megan, Shelby and Lynne at 20w. She was just as broken as the rest of us, yet she offered love and immense support to all. We came to be known as the Toe Twins! Since then, we have met many challenges and jumped many hurdles. But, one thing remains constant, the love she pours out to all of us. I'm happy to report that Nan is now expecting a baby girl, who we lovingly call "our little grasshopper". And, we will forever remember her beautiful triplet butterfly babies.

Second is Deni, My Kindred Spirit, who who opened her heart to me when I arrived on the site, as she sent me love and hugs through her own pain. Always a sweet voice of comfort and sometimes a laugh, as we share Southern humor, she too encouraged me through some of life's darkest days. Deni is the mother of 2 Angels, Layla and Michael, who live in our hearts. Currently, she and her husband are pursuing adoption and the FAB 5 are praying for God's will to prevail. We also have FAITH in knowing she WILL give birth to a baby of her own.

Next is Shandrea, who came to us by way of loss of her precious son Camron. I call her Amazing Grace, as she has shown immense courage and grace through more than her share of pain. She is our little ray of sunshine and has never lost sight of her FAITH. The youngest of the FAB 5 she has suffered loss more than once too, as she lost her beautiful little girl Xavien not so long ago. We believe in her future and are certain God will place an Earthly child in her arms very soon.

Last, but certainly not least, is our dear friend Angie who joined us from across the pond...in Sweden! Yes, the FAB 5 are Global! Angie, came to us after the loss of her sweet son Adam and was such a breath of fresh air. She always has something wonderful to say and is ever optimistic, a "glas half FULL kind'a girl". She is our scientist of the group, explaining medical details and calming our fears. I often think she has ESP, as she always knows when to send a pep-talk my way. She's done my heart good on so many levels. Currently, she is TTC and I send her love and KNOW its going to happen soon!

SO, there you have it...the FABULOUS 5 SOME! These women are my "constant". They walk with me day by day through life's storms. They pick me up when I am blue and have tied my ROPE numerous times. When I look at them I am reminded "God is Good", as he picked from his garden the most beautiful bouquet of friends that a girl could ever be BLESSED with. I don't know why we've all suffered so, but I do know the suffering has been more bearable with them at my side. I love each of them more than words could ever describe. They are my Carefully Placed Angels On Earth and I "treasure" their friendship. And, there is not a day that goes by that we do not lift each other up. I am RICHLY Blessed.

Take some time and visit each of their blogs and you will come to love them just as I have. Each of us owes the love we've received through blogging to our dear Nan, as she encouraged us to start blogs and introduced us to her readers who've shown us such love and support. The love I have for Nan, Deni, Shandrea and Angie is immeasurable. They remind me, "Through the Storm, You DO NOT Walk Alone".

Much Love and Gratitude,
xoxo

Need Some Insight on Fertility Testing....please

Hello Sweet Blogger Friends!

As many of you know, I will be going to see my OB for some additional blood work to determine my fertility status. Any information, advice, insight or comments is more than welcome, as I embrace your HELP.

This is step 1 in going further in this process, as we have now been trying 6 months post loss and have not been successful. Due to my age, I feel that time is such a factor, as I am getting older and biological time is not slowing.

If any of you can think back to what tests were performed on you at this stage I would appreciate any insight. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask for any/all possible blood work during this appointment.

A little about me:
Age: 37
Pregnancies: 1 that ended in a missed miscarriage followed by D&C
Fertility: no issues, as I was able to get pregnant in 4 months
Genetic: no know genetic issues
Dr's opinion on my loss: Chromosomal
Pre-Pregnancy Evaluation: Yes, I had routine pre-pregnancy blood work taken before getting pregnant and all was fine
Uterine Ultrasound(s): Yes, all were normal. (I've had so many, due to a retained products of conception saga that lasted almost 4 months.)

My Questions Are:

1) What blood work did your Dr get from you initially?
* I know my Dr will be checking:
-FSH
-LH
-Prolactin
-Thyroid
-Celiac (had and was negative)
-Chron's (had and was negative)
ANY OTHERS YOU CAN THINK OF?

2) General Questions I should ask? I've made notes, but can certainly add to my list :)

I want to be an advocate for myself and not look back 3 months from now and have my Dr say "why didn't we get this lab?" I'm just uneasy as to what the "next step" may be. My OB did say that hubby would also get an SA, which he will do. And, we can go to the fertility "guys", as she called them to increase our odds. I am overwhelmed!

You can also email me if you don't feel comfortable posting here: anhinteriors@yahoo.com

Much Love and Many Hugs....and a THANK YOU in advance :)

Danny Gokey - NEW MUSIC - "My Best Days Are Ahead Of Me"

Danny Gokey

You Tied My ROPE

*When you feel as if you've reached the end of your ROPE...Tie a KNOT.

Dearest Friends,

Most heartfelt Thanks to each of you for the love and support that you sent my way on what was one of the most difficult days. You reached out, showed love, offered kindness and took precious time out of your day to simply say "I CARE". When we are low we need to hear those 2 little words, as they make a HUGE difference.

Today, the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine beamed through...the storm has passed. I suppose the culmination of many, many, emotional "triggers" derailed my positive outlook. Yesterday, was a day that I felt "off" center and although I fought the emotions they were greater than me. Therefore, I did the best I could in the moment and accepted the pain, I owned it. It hurt.

Last night, as I lay down to sleep, I prayed to God and asked him to pave my way, "Lord, help me, as I am weak and in need of direction. I am scared. Direct my steps" My prayers were heard, they always are.

Thinking back on yesterdays struggles, I came across this poem. The words touched me, as they speak of reaching out to someone in need and offering HOPE. I thought of all of you who held my hand yesterday as I read this beautiful poem.

I Shall Be Glad
by Grace Noll Crowell

If I can put new hope within the heart
Of one who has lost hope,
If I can help a brother up
Some difficult long slope
That seems too steep for tired feet to go,
If I can help him climb
Into the light upon the hill's far crest,
I shall begrudge no time
Or strength that I spend, for well I know
How great may be his need.
If I can help through any darkened hour,
I shall be glad indeed.

For I recall how often I have been
Distressed, distraught, dismayed,
And hands have reached to help, and voices called
That kept me unafraid.
If I can share this help that I have had,
God knows I shall be glad.

Much love to each of you...and as my dear friend Nan says "Do Unto Others"
xoxo

A Nomadic Journey

Today, I feel as if I am on a nomadic journey. You see, nomads seem to wander about aimlessly from place to place and can't seem to find a place of contentment. TODAY has been one of those days. A dreaded nomadic day...and I have wandered and wondered where this long, winding, up hill, road full of pot holes is going to take me next. In the depths of my soul, I wonder?

Perhaps I've faced one too many of "Life's Little Emotional Triggers in the past few days. Maybe I have elected to sweep too many emotions under the rug, running desperately to catch that Rainbow that seems to elude me. I wonder?

In retrospect, could it be the many comments, uncomfortable conversations and unknowns that seem to have drifted my way as of late?

When I woke this morning I knew this day seemed "off"...

Did my feelings of being "off center" stem from:

1) Finally getting a + opk on CD 17 to only be disappointed by little to no spike on my temp chart? What? No confirmation after such planning and attention to detail. This has never happened before...whats wrong now? Have I not jumped enough hurdles?

2) Was it the conversation that I had with my sweet neighbor yesterday in which she inquired as to how I was doing. Followed by "Does your Dr have a plan for you and where are you in the process?" Was it not enough that I bared my soul to her and divulged private information, as I was uncomfortable to reveal such personal details? Why did she feel the need to comfort me by way of stories of childless friends who have "fulfilled" lives? And, why did she have to wade into mentally treacherous territory by saying "have you considered adoption?"

3) Maybe it was my husbands relentless efforts in gathering me around the computer to watch a video of our nephews? One nephew of which happened to be born just days after our loss and shares my husbands name...the name is a constant reminder, thorn in my side, insult to injury, salt in a gaping wound, picture on a page in my book of grief and insensitive, selfish, decision by my BIL and SIL that I DO NOT embrace.

4) This day, today, was to be a new Sunshiney day. Do you suppose it was derailed by the constant baby chatter that engulfed my presence during my morning work out? The sacred gym of all places...seriously? The one place that is a peaceful and restful stop on this journey. Is my place of refuge no longer safe?

I have wandered and wondered all day...like a nomad. I have cried on and off as the minutes turned to hours. Not the same tears as before, but tears that you cry when you feel as if you are at a crossroads. Tears that you cry when you are fearful. Tears that you cry when you "know" decisions are at your door step.

I am at a CROSSROADS...and don't know what or if there will be a next step. I am AFRAID. I am afraid of the unknown.

Wish me luck, as I have an appointment with my OB this month. We will have reached the 6 month of trying mark with no success. Next stop, blood work and evaluation of his/her fertility. I NEVER thought I'd be here. Realistically, who did?

I suppose the last trigger of my day came in the form of a song. Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World". I cried. It's a beautiful song, a reminder of my Dad, as this song was played at my Father's memorial service..."I hear babies crying, I watch them grow"...I never heard one cry, but I did watch one grow, briefly...he grew wings.

The ending to a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day. I wonder if I should have just surrendered and put my jammies back on and gotten back into bed...and started my day over? Maybe? But, that would have been too easy. Instead, I choose to stay the course, face my fears and pray that tomorrow is a new day. A day where the clouds part and the sun shows its face, a day HOPE and one of clarity. A day that whispers, "all will be well".

xoxo

Quote:
It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette