Thank You to Those Who Serve!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

*The photos below are from my brothers HOME COMING after deployment

It's nice to think of Memorial Day weekend as a holiday to BBQ and relax with friends, but I'd like to reflect on the REAL meaning of this holiday....those who serve and those who gave their lives in service, protecting the many freedoms we take for granted.

Honestly, I never really thought much about the meaning of this holiday. However, now that I have a brother who serves I view it strongly and have a vast appreciation for all who wear the uniform and the sacrifices they make. Which takes me back to 2 years ago...seems like yesterday.

My younger brother, a NAVY pilot, was deployed to the Middle East for 9 months. Those 9 months were the longest of my life! And, I prayed feverishly every day for his safe return. Not only was he flying a very high powered aircraft, but he was responsible for protecting our ground troops below, those who he refers to as the real HERO's of this awful war.

The day that ship sailed was the most gut wrenching day of my life. I watched as my brother said good bye to his wife and then 1 year old son. My heart was broken for my SIL, as she was a pillar of strength, fully supporting her husband and reassuring him she'd be okay. But, I could only fast forward to what life was going to be like Mothering a small child alone.

Thanks to God my SIL, with the help of my Mother, her parents, brother, and hubby and I, we rallied around her and made it through a very difficult 9 months. We mailed endless care packages to my brother, sent countless emails and photos and constantly reminded him that we loved him.

Fast forward to these photos....9 months later, a host of family and friends flew to VA to WELCOME HOME our Sailors! It seemed like an eternity for that ship to come in! We could see if for miles, yet it took forever for that enormous ship to make it to the docking area. As it grew closer Michael Bubles version of the song "I'm Coming Home" played in the background and many tears fell. My nephew looked on and said Da Da and began blowing his Daddy kisses, which my hubby was lucky enough to capture in one of these photos.

Finaly, the boat made it to shore. The first to walk off were those whose babies had been born while they were deployed. I cried a river as these men looked at and held babies for the 1st time. These men cried too as they saw themselves in the eyes of their children. Emotional, yes! I cried for 3 days, the days leading up to this day and the day of. I was just so happy!

How would my nephew react to his Daddy after his absence of 9 months? Would he remember him? As my Brother approached his little boy, his son stood and looked at him, took 2 steps backwards into his mother's arms and looked at my brother who was kneeling in front of him. My brother then took off his officers cap and said "H, it's Daddy". Immediately, my nephew ran to his daddy and kissed him, as he had not forgotten him, but simply did not recognize him with the officers cap on. Yet, when that cap was off, he knew!

I still cry as I write this post, this home coming was 2 years ago. If you have never witnessed the homecoming of any military men and women on deployments I strongly urge you to do so. It matters not if you know any of them, as I promise your heart will be moved. Today, through all that I have witnessed I'm more patriotic and have a greater sense of pride of my country than ever before.

Celebrating All of the Men and Women Who Serve today and ALWAYS!

Today's Quote:

It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you. ~Author unknown, sometimes attributed to M. Grundler

Things That Made Me SMILE Today

Often times I take for granted all the good in my daily life, as it is sometimes clouded by constant fertility related struggles. So, today, I was consciously aware of the many things in my everyday, ordinary life that bring a ray of sunshine into my world. Simple gestures that make me SMILE and give me that indescribable warm, fuzz feeling that just make your day.

What Made Me SMILE Today?

1) Receiving this beautiful photo from my friend Elizabeth at Life, Love and Grief. Eli took the time to write Christian's name in the sandbox while at the park. If that is not love being passed on then I don't know what is. I'm ever grateful to her for kindness and compassion, which is relentless. Thank you Elizabeth!

2) Cup Cakes! Yes, for those of you who don't know, I LOVE CUP CAKES! Just minutes ago as I was shopping a little inner voice said "you deserve a cup cake today!" So, I obliged, red velvet it is and how scrumptious it's going to be! Another little tid bit...I always say that I'm the cup cake and hubby's the sprinkles :)

3) My friend Julie, who I adore and who has been MIA for workouts due to a fractured bone in her foot stopped by the gym to say hello to me today. As always she instantly made me SMILE. Her personality is infectious and she reminded me that she is still praying for little baby bean to come into our life. And, she said her prayers go WAY UP THERE! Keep prayin' Jules :)

4) My soon to be 82 year old friend Al, another member of the workout club, who always has such a positive aura about him. This guy is goes like the Energizer Bunny and has bad arthritis, uses a cane, yet nothing slows him down. He's an ex-marine, ex-actor and ex-USC Football player and Rose Bowl Champion! Talk about a resume, and he still works, owns and runs a business!

5) My Sweet Husband. Just this morning, as I lay sleeping, and barely awake, he leaned down to kiss me good bye, just as he does every morning. It's our ritual and I'm glad we have been doing this for almost 10 years! He leaves early at 5am and I'm not quite geared up that way, so let's just say he's always the first awake ;) I need a little more beauty sleep!

6) The pitter patter of feet, as my 4 year old neighbor Brooke (I call her cutie pie) ran into my garage this afternon as I returned from working out. She's my own personal welcome committee and I LOVE IT!!! FYI, she's having a play date today and wanted to let me know. Should be fun...maybe I should crash it???

7) Sweet Mrs. Candi at the plant nursery...she's just, well, sweet as Candy! She told me that she and her little 3 year old grandson planted pots yesterday and that it took her 3 x as long to do the work, he created a super, duper mess, got all wet and muddy and she LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

8) Receiving a note from my bloggie friend Lauren, from Lauren Green's Blog, who is just the sweetest and has inspired me on so many levels. Lauren, you are on my radar and I promise to always walk up hill with you if need be :)

9) Reading the words on my sweet friend Lori's blog, Lori Does Maryland. She told her son Matthew's birth story which broke my heart. However, through Matthew's story I was able to smile, as Lori's FAITH in God never wavered, nor did her BELIEF in her little boy. I swam through tears as I read her post, but I smiled. xoxo Lori.

10) Thinking about my little nephew. He is 4 wise years old and I loved on every ounce of him while at the beach last week. Unfortunately, the last time we saw him he was 2 yrs, as they live in WA and we live in TN. This little man, AKA Monkey Man, is the sweetest, most loving, well mannered little boy on the planet! Of course I'm biased, but that's what aunts are for. We played in the sand and in the ocean and giggled and had fun and I snuck m&m's to him despite his mother not approving ;) I only hated kissing him good bye....I said "good bye monkey" and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".

11) Watching Rachel Ray while working out...yes, today I worked out solo, no trainer girl :) I cheat when she's not there and watch TV while I'm on the Hampster Wheel, um excuse me, Tread mill :) Any hoo, Michael Buble (who I adore) was the guest and he sang to a little bump. Yep, that is right, he sang to her growing bean in her tummy! He sang "I just haven't met you yet" and then went on to kiss her tummy. Sweet! So, sweet...made me smile!

So, that's my "What Made Me Smile Today: list! I challenge you to make a list of your own...its infectious, promise! Now go and have a cup cake for me! Happy Memorial Day Weekend sweet friends...AND, of course, ALL OF YOU MAKE ME SMILE!

Today's Quote:

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own.”

Touched By Angels On Earth & Honoring Those Who Soar Above

Today, after being away at the beach with family, I was catching up on my blog reading and found the most beautiful tribute to Children who are celebrating a 1st Birthday in Heaven during the month of May. One of those sweet angels remembered was Christian and when I read his name and saw the sweet note attached to a bouquet of balloons I was reduced to tears.

Holly, from Caring for Carleigh, released balloons to honor many of our May babies and I can not thank her enough for showing such love. The little note attached to the bouquet reads "You are the closest I will ever come to magic", along with a picture of a jar of fireflies. As many of you know, I refer to Christian as my little firefly and seeing his name always touches my heart.

Holly, the beautiful way that you "honor" Carleigh and all of our angel babies is so touching and I will forever be grateful for having you in my life. It's times such as these that I am reminded that through the worst thing that has ever happened to me has also emerged the most wonderful thing to happen to me...this community of women who stand together, remember together and honor the beautiful children who soar above. I know that Christian and Carleigh are happy, healthy and whole and are enjoying those play dates in heaven. Much Love sweet friend for being an Earth Angel in my life and for making this mommy's heart a little lighter today by remembering her angel.

I received so many wonderful gestures of love and support over the past few weeks and I am behind on saying "thank you" and want to offer many thanks to all of you who continue to love me through the storm. It's through you that I find sunshine and journey on.

To the Fab 5, I love you all! Thank you for tying my ROPE countless times and for always being a voice of calm and offering strength when I was weak. You will never know what you mean to me. Your cards, tokens of love and care packages kept me going. Nan, Deni, Shandrea and Angie...Mwah! xoxo and I am proudto call you my friends.

Much love to all of you who read my blog, offer kind words and continue to lift me up. I could not do this without you.

xoxo

Todays Verse:

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

They Want Me In "Their" Club....BUT there's a slight problem....

They want me in their club, BUT there's a slight problem....

NO BUMP.

NO BABY.

NO ADMITTANCE.

Never was this more apparent than this weekend....

Sweet hubby, being the kind soul that he is, wanted to have a little cook out Saturday night. The weather was set on "perfect", cool and comfortable for the often boggy deep South and it was a no brainer in his mind to entertain 2 couples. I agreed, stating that I would be working at the garden center, but would be home in time to work a little magic on the housekeeping. He took on the responsibility of catering in the meal and vino and voila the stage was set!

Couple #1 arrived with perfect etiquette, on time and a gorgeous bouquet of roses in hand AND baby in arms, as their sitter canceled. Couple #2 arrive shortly after, a bit late, as they were juggling their children and giving the sitter instructions. All was well...for a bit. Slowly, but surely the night turned, as it always does, into BABY FEST 101! Not to mention how they'd all be celebrating Mother's Day.

Can I just say it gets incredibly old to be the "odd woman out"! What do I have to add to a conversation about "sleepless nights, formula, poop schedules, cutting of teeth, diaper creme, pediatricians and the vampire at Pre-School!" Nothing. I have nothing to add. All I can seem to think about is that I am once again enduring these conversations, smiling and faking it till I make it. AND wondering "will I make it?"

Very sweetly, my friends each took the opportunity to gain some alone time with me to ask "where we are with things". I gave them the short version, RE Apppt. in June and what comes next I don't know. They pumped me full of HOPE and optimism and gave it their best shot, as I know with all my heart they want me to be a member of "their" club, but let's face it, I don't have the right credentials. I have no BUMP. I have no BABY.

My mind reeled with thought, as they talked about Mother's Day plans I thought of how I would always associate Mother's Day with loss. Yes, I lost our child just 3 days prior to Mother's Day. They were gearing up to celebrate being Mothers and I had just celebrated a child's 1st Heavenly Birthday...a child that was planned for, wanted and loved, whose life had greater purpose than what I could give here on Earth, but today I was having trouble accepting this. More than anything I wanted what "they" have. Jealous, yes, in a very twisted and contorted way that only a BLM or IF can understand.

However, I am VERY fortunate. Although I AM NOT a member of this prestigious club of diaper changers and poop inspectors I know that I am loved, prayed for, and silently cheered on by Mommies who want to see my transition to "the other side". AND, I AM GRATEFUL.

While throwing my own Mother's Day celebration, a pity party for one, I was met by these words from another baby lost Mother who I met in a miscarriage support group. She has suffered many losses and is now pregnant again:

Andrea,

I just want to tell you thanks for being happy for me.My heart hurts a bit when I read you coz u have always been there for me and all of us.I pray from the depth of my heart that it happens for u soon,u are such an amazing lady and has given me so much positive energy and has helped me a lot.I know how hard it is to support others in there pregnancies when it is not happening for us,I have been away many times for a long time coz i couldnt bare reading about others`pregnancies and me being waiting for long.U must have such a big heart coz u r always here for us...I just want to say thank u,and I know God will reward you one day for ur goodness and give u a beautiful baby u cld give all this extra love and care to!

Thank u my beautiful friend,I will never forget u in my prayers!!Lots of love to u...

As I read these words I knew that what I had been dealt was not in vain. My pain and grief had "purpose" and my story had lifted another in their hour of need. Also, I realized that I was being cheered on, cared for and loved along this very difficult journey. All while working diligently to obtain a lifetime membership to Club Mommy.

What Makes A Mother?

As I think of all the wonderful Mother's out there whose hearts are heavy and hurting today....

This is for ALL of YOU. Today, I remember you and I HONOR you and HONOR children who grew wings far too soon. I remember YOU.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you, Christian, and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

Happy 1st Heaven Day Precious One

Hello Sunshine,

You were....A true Gift From GOD in every sense...you still are.

My heart still hurts, as I think of how we should be gearing up to take you to the beach to meet your little cousins in a couple of weeks. I think of how cute you would look sitting in the sand and how your Mommy would stalk you like the paparazzi to get all the perfect photos! Which makes me reminisce back to the very first time I saw you, a little flicker on an ultrasound screen that filled my heart with JOY and instant LOVE. I referred to you as "my little firefly", as your little heart flickered away and made me smile. Your sweet photo from that day is one that I will cherish always. The nurse was excited, as was I, and handed me your photo in a little frame that said "Here's a Glimpse of Whose to Come".

Oh how I daydreamed of what was to come, as you were planned for, wanted and greatly loved. If only I could have held you, rocked you, sang lullaby's to you, played peek a boo and kissed you good night. Not to mention the plethora of other things that bring a smile to a Mother's face through the eyes of her child.

Though I hurt, I do find peace in knowing that you are Happy, Healthy and Whole. Heaven must be so much sweeter with you there. I know your Heavenly play dates are greater than any that I could give you here and what fun Ring Around the Roses must be in a Heavenly Rose Garden. Lullaby's sung by a choir of Angels must be the sweetest of sounds! And, I know you are holding hands with all of your Heavenly Angel friends and giggling as you play in the clouds.

Happy 1st Heaven Day my little Firefly! Keep blowing those kisses from Heaven....

xoxo
Mommy

Project: Sowing the Seeds of Love....

In honor of Christian, I have prepared some little packets of various flower seeds...Sowing the Seeds of LOVE. If you would like to add some seeds to your garden and watch them grow this Summer, please let me know and I would LOVE to share them with you. Just send me an email with your address and what kind of seeds you prefer. Give me a couple choices of your favorites :) If you prefer veggie or herb seeds that's great too!

For MORE Information or Ideas of what to plant, CLICK HERE.

Many thanks to all of you for loving me through this first year, as my heart is lighter, my days brighter and my future more optimistic with you at my side :) xoxo

Today's verse:

He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Today's Poem:
In "Honor" of All Our Children who grew wings much too soon....

GOD's ROSE GARDEN

In the most beautiful of gardens,

even those tendered by the most skillful of botanists

there is an occasional rose that buds, but never opens.



In all respects the rose is like all the others,

but something keeps it from blooming.

It fades away - or disappears - without having reached maturity.



What happens in natures garden,

happens once in awhile also in the garden of God's human family.

A baby is born, beautiful, precious,

but fails to come to its rightful unfolding.



This child, Christian, like the bud that never fully opens,

is gathered back into God's heavenly garden of souls

- where all imperfections are made perfect

- all injustices made right

- all mysteries are explained

- and sorrows turned to happiness.

Sowing the Seeds of Love...and Christian's 1st Heaven Day

Project: Sowing the Seeds of Love....

In honor of Christian's first Heaven Day, which is tomorrow, May 6th, I have prepared some little packets of various flower seeds...Sowing the Seeds of LOVE. If you would like to add some seeds to your garden and watch them grow this Summer, please let me know and I would LOVE to share them with you. Just send me an email or leave a comment with your address and what kind of seeds you prefer. Give me a couple choices of your favorites :) If you prefer veggie or herb seeds that's great too!

Ideas:
* Just say the word & so long as the garden center has it...it's yours!
Zinnia
Forget Me Not
Aster
Sunflowers
Basil
Thyme
Mint
Watermelon
Squash
Green Beans :) (Lauren this one's for you)
Cantaloupe
And....MANY MORE, just let me know what you'd like, as you don't have to select from this list of ideas.

Many thanks to all of you for loving me through this first year, as my heart is lighter, my days brighter and my future more optimistic with you at my side :)

PS Even if you are not a gardener or do not have a "green thumb" you can plant seeds in porch pots and watch them grow and flourish :) If you need a little help on how to get started I will supply some instructions. Just let me know and I would LOVE to share with you to honor my "little Firefly"

XOXO

Distraction is Good Medicine....

Distraction is Good Medicine...

Recently, I started working at a local garden center as a means of "distraction" from the uncertainty that surrounds TTC. For me, this place is my "port in the storm" and I am learning many Life Lessons along the way. And, since I have a love of creative writing I decided to sum up this post in the form of a short story. One of the items on my Bucket List is to author a book (preferably a children's book)

SO, here goes....a story through "my eyes and heart"

Happily, Petal stood behind the potting table, rich, moist soil filled her hands, as she meticulously filled each container. She chatted with her elder friend Twila as the breeze graced their backs and the sun smiled on their faces. In her element she was, placing delicate plants in stone containers that would make their way to the porch of the garden center.

When she was in this "place" all the cares of the world seemed small, at least for a while. Steadily planting, she could escape the worries of her new life, one of cautious optimism, graced by HOPE and founded on FAITH. It was her escape. An escape from the daily struggles of trying to start a family and the monthly disappointments that ensued for nearly a year. This was "her place" to find normality. Or, at least give it a try...

She planted and chatted with the Matriarch of the Garden Center, as Miss Twila knew everything there was to be known about flora and fauna. A master gardener and a master of life she was! Hello, how are you, Miss Twila said to a passer by who joyously exclaimed "I'm great, we get our ultrasound today!" Petal wilted a bit and secretly prayed for the woman and child, as she knew there were no givens in this new world in which she was living, as her experience of losing a child had tainted her thoughts of pregnancy bliss. Miss Twila continued to plant, nodded and said in a gentle voice "that's exciting" and offered no other words. The young woman said thank you and hesitated for more offerings of joy, but there were none and she left.

Petal gathered her thoughts as well as two of the lushly planted pots and took them inside the garden center where she was met by a tall, lanky, lady with red curly hair. She asked the red head if she could help her and the lady responded by saying "I need a Mother's Day present". Petal assured her she was in the right place. I'm Liz Beth said the red head. Petal introduced herself and the two scoured the potting shed for the perfect gift for Liz Beth's mom, who in her opinion was the best mother in the world. Well, maybe, but the jury was still out on that one, as Petal was adamant that being a Mother was more than just mothering an Earthly child. Yet, she kept her thoughts to herself and they forged on to finally settle on a peaceful looking lamb sculpture. It was perfect.

Liz Beth talked with Rose, owner of the garden center, as Petal adorned the neck of the lamb sculpture with pastel colored French ribbon. They talked about life and loss, Petal listened. Liz Beth reminisced about her beloved husband Skip, the absolute love of her life, who was called home unexpectedly by the angels much too soon, while she was left behind with children ages 2 and 3. She spoke of how she had vowed to give herself 5 years to grieve her Sweetie and how this marked year number 4 of his absence. Petal's heart sank, as she knew grief, but not on that level. Liz Beth continued on and spoke of how the worst thing to happen to her had also been the best thing to ever happen to her, as she'd been fortunate enough to know REAL, pure, honest LOVE in the deepest, most thought provoking sense. Petal pondered Liz Beth's testimony of grief, love and faith....

Today's thought, in Honor of Internation Baby Lost Mother's day:

Though I lose my petals

I am still a flower.


We grow together,

in a garden bed

of ash and tears,

heartbreak and love.

Whispered support blows

towards our delicate beauty,

crying nourishes our shared roots,

and the warmth of our compassion

heals the winter of our grief.



Though we have lost a petal,

we are still flowers,

lush and full together

in a garden of hope.

-Angie M. Yingst



(This poem was written for Carleigh Marie Dudley, who has given so much to this community. Carleigh, we thank you for all that you have done and continue to do To Write Their Names In the Sand. You ARE a Beautiful Mother.)