Oh dear, where to start....
Every year around this time marks the annual PGA event that is held at our country club. Top golfers from all over the world come to compete in this lovely tournament. Tournament week is a big week and is celebrated with many parties throughout.
After a thoughtful invite from some good friends we headed over to their house for a casual BBQ. Upon arrival, I did the usual survey of cars to somewhat protect myself from what might catch me off guard. This was to be an adult party and I felt confident things would go well. BUT, not so fast!
Taking a deep breath I entered the house to be greeted by our friend R holding her 11wk old daughter who was cozied up in her Baby Bjorn. My heart raced, I said hello, stroked baby M's leg and said "she's so sweet". I felt lifeless, I felt sick, I felt overwhelmed, anxious and I fought back tears. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and I tried my earnest to hold back the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.
Everyone coming and going was oohing and cooing over a new baby as we all do, but this was a first for me. This was the first time that I had been faced with an infant so small. As I looked at this precious child I was only reminded of what I did not have, what didn't work out and how our struggles had magnified over the course of a year. She stood there happy with her arms full and I stood there broken.
Feeling trapped, I stood and endured all the numerous questions of how is she sleeping, is this as hard as you thought it would be, are you nursing, etc... With every additional question I had to find the where with all to hold back the waterfall behind my eyes....it raged and was inevitable. I stood there glassy eyed. Never had I been so uncomfortable in my own skin.
My inner thoughts reeled....and I looked at all that I was missing out on. I had been denied JOY and someone else had been granted it. Angry, jealous, bitter, pissed off and plain frustration that I am STILL in this situation while it just seems to come so easily for others who sit back and enjoy the ride! Sounds awful, I know it, but these are real, honest emotions. "She" was happy with baby bliss and I was attending a "party in a puddle".
Finally, I sat at a table that looked like a safe zone with an older friend, only to be joined by another woman who eagerly engaged us in conversation. The usual talk continued and led up to the infamous question, "Do you have children". My answer, NO, unfortunately we've been very unlucky in that department! I should never have uttered those words, but felt compelled to defend my stance of wanting children. The well meaner then said:
1) Do you have regular periods?
Yes
2) Do you ovulate?
Yes
"Then it should be no problem for you to get pregnant. Just plan a nice trip around your cycle and have sex during ovulation and you'll get pregnant. It's all in your head, you are just too stressed"
Six months ago I would have been furious with this analogy, but last night I just laughed. I laughed at this poor well meaning woman, as I found her entertaining! If she had an MD behind her name I missed it. I still marvel at her conception plan for me. Once she finished diagnosing me I asked her to please put me in her phone on speed dial and make sure she called me to reiterate the "fast track baby making instructions". Oh and another pointer she gave me, "visualize the sperm meeting the egg". I was in hysterics laughing, not WITH her, but AT her!!!
Oh how I wanted to swim in that glass of wine that sat before me! It seemed this girl just could not stop with the advice and I finally said "I'm seeing a fertility Dr., as we are beyond visualization techniques. She then told me that my Dr. had helped her friend conceive multiples. I suggested the conception was via IVF, but she insisted that her friend took shots, had daily ultrasounds, went home, had sex and is now expecting multiples. What? Poor, sweet, well meaner, and she is a sweet girl who did mean well, but thank God for the vino!
Eventually, our friend took baby M home, as she was not in the partying mood and Dr. Girl faded away to give advice to someone else. It had been one hell of a night! I took the good with the bad, but ponder the questions:
"Will this road ever get any easier?"
"Will I always find myself in a puddle when faced with infants?"
"Will I always look at this baby and think of what was taken from me?"
"Will feelings of uncertainty always flood my soul?"
"Will genuine happiness ever fill my heart again?"
"Will the old me emerge again?"
I'm fearful...fearful of the unknown. And, I'm so tired....tired of fighting back tears, tired of being the odd woman out, tired of putting up false fronts to make others feel better, tired of walking up hill, tired of hanging in there, being strong and SICK AND TIRED OF JUST BEING TIRED.
Today's thought:
"Never take the advice of someone whose not had your kind of trouble"
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