Glimpse of a Rainbow...

Happy Sunday sweet bloggie friends!

Today I am writing to you under blue skies scattered with bouts of rain, yet my spirit is lifted, I am grateful and full of hope.  As many of you know, in my last post I spoke of finding myself in the valley due to my failed first IUI cycle and how I was impatiently waiting for Flo's arrival. 

Last week, the final week of the 2ww proved to be uneventful for me, as I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms.  Day after day passed and I was absolutely sure that "she" was on her way.  Those thoughts were confirmed on Saturday evening, 12 days past IUI when I experienced some slight spotting.  Crushed, I cried in my husbands arms as he consoled my aching heart and willed myself to believe that "tomorrow is a new day".  On Sunday I woke filled with optimism and wrote last weeks post titled "Feel Like Giving Up?"  So many of you left the most wonderful supportive comments and my heart was lifted, as I could feel the love that was being cast my way.  From the bottom of my heart I say thank you for all the encouragement.

As last week progressed, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday passed and I grew more and more anxious for my next cycle to begin, I was thankful to have another Clomid + Ovidrel and IUI cycle that would begin soon.  At the same time I was preparing myself for the possibility of adoption and readying myself to begin researching the Chinese adoption process.  My heart has always been open to doing this and it very well may be a reality to me one beautiful day.  To say the least, I was again going into problem solving mode and working on my back up plan to my back up plan.

That was until Wednesday evening when I had reached 16 days past IUI and my cycle still had not began and I was very aggravated thinking the med's had delayed my cycle.  Later, after a trip with my husband to Wallgreens, which by the way I had detested, as I knew it would only result in another negative result, I gave in and tested.  To my surprise, in seconds I saw a very clear + sign in the window!  I was in shock and I still am.

Honestly, I have not even been able to wrap my head around the thought of this IUI working.  It all seems so surreal at the moment.  I'm very happy, yet I am also suffering a host of emotions related to my past loss and the uncertainty of where this journey will lead.  So far my betas have been good, as is my progesterone level.  However, my RE has started me on progesterone intravaginaly.  Again, I am so grateful and thank God for this miracle the he has blessed me with.  Please keep us in your prayers as we go forward, as I am so afraid.

For those of you who will read this and are still awaiting your miracle, hold on to HOPE.  As another blogger friend, Michelle, said to me, don't hold on with your pinkie finger, firmly grasp "his" hand.  I won't profess that this post came easily, as I struggled for the right words.  My greatest fear was in hurting someone that would read this post whose heart was already hurting, whose journey has been long and painful and who will once again suffer that "happy for her, but sad for me moment".  I know all of these feelings so well and I promise you I would not feel ill toward you if you find that you can no longer follow this blog.  The emotions that surround announcements are so difficult, even when you love the person and are genuinely happy for their outcome.  I have lived these same emotions of jealousy, anger, disappointment and utter happiness for someone else all why saying "why not me".  However, I would urge you to cling to your FAITH and hold onto HOPE, even when it seems far from your grasp.  And I promise to continue to rally you along, be your personal cheerleader and give so much back to you that you have lovingly given to me.

In the meantime, please pray for our glimpse of a Rainbow....

Today's verse:  

1 Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

*I cry a river as I post this verse, as I dreamed of this day...and I am GRATEFUL.

Wordless Wednesday

Ahhh, the beach!  Wish I was there....

Feel Like Giving Up?

Here I sit on a beautiful Sunday morning, sunshine streaming through my window, pondering where to start this post, as there are so many thoughts that I want to share.  First, let me begin by saying "Thank You" for your love and support over the past two weeks.  You all were amazing!  I could feel you cheering for me and urging me on and HOPE was ever present.  I'm most grateful for the HOPE you passed along, for without that I am nothing.

Honestly, I knew by weeks end this first IUI cycle was not going to bring to fruition my dream of a baby.  I have fought the pessimism, but somehow I just "know" that we will be starting another cycle in about 5 days or so.  And, that realization hurts so deeply.  I won't candy coat things.  Last night, as I sat in the valley, you know "that valley, the dark space that envelops us sometimes, my mind took me to some daunting places.  Torrid depressive thoughts without the happy ending, tear stained pillow and a restless night.  Thankfully, I emerged on the other side this morning, the optimistic side, the side where you stand up once again, brush yourself off and enter the ring one more time and fight like hell to survive the barrage of emotions.  And pray for sunshine after the storm, which consequently it did storm last night, a good ole thunder storm that matched my mood.  Now, today is a new day, another opportunity, and I must embrace what lies ahead, move forward and be grateful. 

As we all know, moving forward, again and again and again becomes a daunting task.  For me, the frustration of failing once again is as if I have failed myself and my husband.  Anger has filled my soul and my mind is overwhelmed with emotions that I can no longer sort out myself.  Thus, I made an enormous step this week and went to see a psychologist.  Sometimes you hear that inner voice screaming "I think I need a Shrink"!  That voice was crying out very loudly for some time now, yet I continued to think I could fix myself, add another band aid and all would be well.  But, as time marched on, things only became more complex and I became more detached from my old life and my used-to-be self.

So, I opted for a change, and asked for guidance.  I'll be completely honest and tell you that making "that phone call" was hard.  I felt as if I was admitting failure on a whole other level.  Yet, I was not, I was taking control of my life, asking for HELP in how to deal with a situation that had mushroomed over time.  The only regret that I have in doing so is that I didn't do it sooner.  My therapist proved to be wonderful and she had me pegged in all of an hour.  Not only did she understand me, but she asked many thought provoking questions that no one had forced me to answer.  We talked about family, loss, grief, anger, pregnancy announcement, friends who are supporters and friends who are deserters, adoption, my career, the Fab 5, my latest IUI, etc...

All in all, this session was exhausting!  However, it was "good exhaustion", the kind in which you feel a sense of liberation from your troubles.  Finally, someone could give me some answers and a strategy of how to restructure this thing called LIFE.  More than anything she told me what I was feeling was very normal and urged me to work on "Self Forgiveness", as none of what has happened is my fault.  Ahhhh, it was just so nice to hear those words.  Now, I am not "fixed" by any means, but its a start :)  For anyone out there who is fearful of therapy, fearful of confronting their emotions and fearful of spilling your guts to a complete stranger, I felt all those feelings too, but sometimes you just have to take a "Leap of FAITH".  You stand and you jump!

On to lighter things, I'm not thrilled that I will be facing Clomid again this cycle, but we take what we are dealt...one day at a time.  As for peeing on a stick, boo hiss to that!  I simply could not force myself down the pot hole filled isle at Wallgreens one more time.  Why bother, I know the result and she will arrive wearing Red Stilletos most likely this afternoon or tomorrow at the latest!  So what's a disappointed girl to do?  Select her consolation prize that's what!  Yep, I give myself a "reward" to soothe the wound and I won't say its a cure all, but it does help.  Besides, I think suffering those headaches, dealing with a flawed complexion (ugh, the acne outbreak!) and false pregnancy symptoms for 2 weeks is worth a little treat!  Not to mention the sweet lady at a local boutique yesterday who said "isn't it nice that you could leave your kids at home to do your shopping today in peace".  I just said "yes".  That old I don't have any children line is SO Tired, worn out and frankly...I just couldn't go there!  But, I now have some great earrings!

All in all, I am going to err on the side of optimism and recite this quote until the storm of happiness returns....

All things are Possible, IF  We Only BELIEVE

My Week In Pictures:

Magnolia Blossom that I saw first thing this morning in my Garden

Consolation Prize #1:  Handmade fleur necklace by a Bulgarian Designer, bought on Etsy

Consolation Prize #2:  Great sweater with flower motif from Anthropologie.  So much better looking in person than in this photo!

My Feathered Friends at Play.  Yes, we have some chicks at the Garden Center

Window Box hanging in my garden.  The BELIEVE stake was a gift from my Kindred Spirit, Deni, and I look at it everyday and am reminded to have FAITH & Believe.

My very first painting!  Our assignment, paint the apple in front of us.  Let's just say that I have never been good at staying "in my box".  Everyone painted beautiful, realistic apples, but that's just not my style...you have to "step outside the box" every now and then!

Paris in the Spring!  I have just started a new Interior Design Blog!  If you love food, travel and home decor then click HERE

YOGA was so refreshing this week!  Even if a prego girl did crash my class, at least she was cute.  The instructor asked if it was her first baby, to which she replied, "no, its my fourth"  What???  Another head scratching moment.

Namaste...

Today's Quote
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place"

Many HUGS and have a great week!

And...We Trigger!

Hello Precious Blogger Friends!

Happy Sunday! Or, Happy Trigger Day for me! Today, marks day 14 of my current cycle, my first IUI cycle. The morning started early with an 8 am follicle check with the following findings:

2 Mature Follicles measuring:
24.4
19.9
*There are other follicles which may catch up, but I'm VERY grateful for the 2 that behaved nicely.

Endometrium
10.1

Protocol: 50mg Clomid + Ovidrel (Clomid days 5-9)

Side Effects to date:
Day 1 of Clomid resulted in a dull headache which persisted on and off through day 9.
Day's 12-14 tenderness and very MILD discomfort in ovaries
Emotions...all over the map!

So, we're off and running with back to back IUI's Monday and Tuesday! I will be honest and tell you that I am cautiously optimistic, but ever so grateful to have this plan. And, I continue to pray for patience, as I know God will show his promise for my LIFE.

Just this morning I was watching Joel Osteen and his message was on "Signs" and how God shows and sends us signs to show his favor for our lives. The message centered around God's timing and how if we ASK for his FAVOR he will bless our lives if we allow him to direct our steps. The message was such a FAITH booster, as I have been sent many, many signs over the past year.

Listening to this message I reflected on "the signs", my signs, that GOD sends to me. The first, one little firefly that visits me each night as I water my flowers. And as you know, I call Christian "my forever firefly". Next, is the beautiful Monarch butterfly that frequents my garden and always makes me smile. This butterfly is also solo in flight and I was brought to tears the day I found him/her lifeless in my garden, laying on some rocks. Tearfully, I took the butterfly and moved him to his favorite garden amongst some flowers, as I wanted him to be in "his favorite place". I was so sad that my butterfly had died and it brought back so many memories, the parallel of losing a child and then losing this beautiful sign that I had been sent. However, just as GOD promises, he proved to me that he IS FAITHFUL! Two days later he sent me a beautiful new butterfly to tend my garden :)

And, today, he sent me this beautiful message of FAITH and perseverance...ASK and GOD will show you his favor. I could not find the exact pod cast on "signs", as I wanted to share it so badly. But, guess what, this one was revealed to me and it is PERFECT. Take a minute or two and listen. I promise its worth the time :)

Please keep me in your prayers and pray that I leave this process with peace of heart, no matter the outcome. As you all know, this journey is one with a high degree of difficulty and so hard to navigate. I pray for all of you who are awaiting your miracle.

Today's Verse:

Ephesians 3:20  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Psalms 86:17  Send me a sign of your favor

Love to you all and have a wonderful week!

Ps  I returned home to donughts on my door step...3 of my favorite kinds, which I only treat myself to about once a year.  Anyway, my sweet neighbor left me a goodie for a little morning "happy".  I'm taking that as a sign of friendship, kindness and someone doing what they can to bring you some sunshine.  So, keep passing along the sunshine!  It does wonders for the heart.

If you don't have time to listen to the whole pod cast, then make sure you skip forward to the 4 minute mark, as the message is one many of you will relate to...he speaks of the quest to have a child.

  Joel Osteen-Having Now FAITH 2 of 3

Join me in Lifting Another in Prayer

Friends,

Please join me in Lifting my dear friend Angie in prayer.  As you say your prayers tonight, tomorrow and in the days ahead, please remember her and her husband.  Angie and I met 1 year ago, shortly after we both lost our precious children and our friendship has grown across the seas.  Distance does not seem to play a part when it comes to soothing someones aching heart.  We have weathered many storms this past year and rejoiced together as well.

Angie is another of the FAB 5, our tight knit group of 5 wonderful women who forged a friendship through grief in a miscarriage support group.  She is a beautiful person, and my heart aches for her right now for what she is enduring.  Her spirit is infectious, ever the optimist and always rallying others with a message of HOPE, even when she is hurting herself.

In the midst of such pain, she continues to send me comforting words and encouraged me on, sending me love and well wishes as I go forward with next weeks IUI.  I was in tears as I read her words....when her world is in shreds she continues to be selfless and think of another, me. 

Angie, from the depths of my soul, I pray for you and I pray for your baby.  And I thank you for your friendship, the kind of friendship that is pure as gold.  The FAB 5 is here for you....keep the FAITH sweet friend and we are going to remain hopeful and pray for your miracle.

Psalms 39:7



"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.


Much Love,