Unsolicited Advice...

Sweetest Bloggie Friends,

Well, where to start?  There are just so many thoughts swirling in my head!  For starters, I am still in anxiety mode, as I hit 8 weeks on Monday.  Although so grateful for this little miracle, I am still beyond riddled with worry and fear.  I stalk pregnancy my symptoms and tend to analyze each and every one.  And I pray constantly that our little pumpkin has settled into the patch and is thriving.  No one could have prepared me for what "crossing over" is like.  In the back of my mind, I always knew that if I became pregnant again it would be another rollercoaser ride, but nothing could have prepared me for the barrage of nervousness and anxiety.  They seem to come in waves...one day optimism and the next those what if thoughts creep into my head.  It's difficult, but I just try to bring myself back to a place of "living in the moment".

For some reason I am having a terribly difficult time believing this baby could actually make it.  I suppose I am trying to protect my heart from being crushed once again.  Also, I will admit that I have not stopped thinking about my adoption dreams and the little girl that I will one day bring home from China.  I would like to think of my adoption thoughts as my back up plan, but all in all, it could be my reality.  When our little pumpkin is born I will be approaching 39 and I'm not sure how I feel about a baby after 40, as I am still trying to absorb that(or if it would even happen).  Also, I have no idea what my FSH would be at that point either, so there are alot of unanswered questions out there for "my" particular situation.  However, what I do know, is that 1) I WANT WILL be a Mother 2) I want to give my child a sibling, as I can not imagine growing up alone.  I have a brother and can't fathom what my childhood would have been like without him.  So, there is still much to think about....

Another of my fears is in re-living the past.  Once you experience loss, life as you know it is never the same.  We can work on ourselves and attend therapy, etc..., but that sense of fearlessness and naivete is gone forever.  You just don't get it back.  Instead, you work to live in the moment and realize the blessings of each day...and you are forever a work in progress.

Infertility leaves such a nasty scar on your heart and even thoughI may be pregnant, my heart still aches for those "waiting", as I "know" what that feels like and its very real and painful for me still.  As I read blogs of those trying various treatments I cry a river of tears, as I know the disappointment...its very real and it hurts so much.  I've become close to so many in this community as well as my Fab 5 and often times I feel guilty to be experiencing what so many want so badly.  Guilt is part of this "crossing over" process and I can not tell you what that does to a person.  Above anything, know that I continue to pray for all of you who continue to offer love and support while trying to bring your own dreams to fruition.

Today, as I was searching for some information and thinking about how difficult this entire process is, I ran across these t-shirts and could not resist sharing.  What do you suppose people would think if we all wore them?



Yeah, I got the memo the first time.  Thanks!



Love this!


These Fabulous T's can be purchased from Evil Genius Woman.  Yes, I do believe she IS a genius and I suppose she "knows" a little something about infertility...thus the shirts!

So sorry this post is all over the map today, but that is just how scrambled the thoughts are in my head.  Overall, thank you all for being so sweet and thoughtful.  For those who have asked how I'm feeling, I'm doing okay.  I am a little tired and it when I hit that wall, I take a Nap...love naps!  Other than that, I'm suffering from the dreaded Big "C" and am trying to combat it with water and more fiber, wish me luck!  I still have no morning sickness, but am suffering from food aversions...everything I look at seems unappealing and my appetite is lacking.  Thanks to Nan and Deni for advice on constipation and how to get liquid veggies!  Colace and V Fusion are my new friends...LOL  And to my precious friends Angie and Shandrea for always "loving me" and putting aside their own hurts to encourage me on.  I love you all so much!

On another note, please pray for me, as I have to attend my nephews 4th birthday party on Friday.  Children's parties are still hard for me and as much as I love this little man I dread going.  I dread seeing my SIL very pregnant, as this sight will bring back so much pain.  Even though I am pregnant too, it still hurts so badly...seems strange, I know, but I just can't explain it.  And, no one knows we are pregnant, as we don't feel comfortable sharing at this point.  I just pray that I can hold it together and enjoy this little boy that has brought my life so much JOY. 

Much Love to you all....I pray for you always.
xoxoxo



The WALL..

Happy Friday!

Today, as I was reading another bloggers story, which happened to end in success, I was reminded of thoughts that we had in common.  Like so many, I too found myself exasperated by this journey and saught the help of an RE.  I remember my first visit to my RE's office and the many thoughts that swirled in my head.  Anxiety doesn't even begin to describe my emotions.  Not to mention that my new Dr. was caught up in surgery and my husband and I were left to wait in a small conference room for more than an hour.  Talk about torture of the soul.

However, the torture was not only in the waiting, but in the wall of photos that seemed to line every square inch of a long, winding hallway that lead to this little room where it felt as if I was being held against my will.  Yes, I was there because I wanted to be, but so much of who I am did not want any part of this place.  For me, it was yet another reminder of defeat.  And all those gorgeous photos of beautiful babies that lined that hallway only made me ill.  I despised that wall on so many levels!  What kind, caring, compassionate Doctors post hundreds, if not thousands of photos on every square inch of hallway in their clinic?  In a Fertility Clinic none the less!

Okay, okay, I get the gist of "why" these photos dot the walls of this thouroughfare, but give me a break, for those of us "waiting" the stories told on those walls pierced our hearts.  Those photos were a constant reminder of what we did not have and left the mind to wonder if we would ever add to that wall or if we would just come and sit and begrudge admire those innocent faces that we tried to ignore. 

As I returned to the clinic time and again for consultations, blood draws, ultrasounds, monitoring and insemination I worked very hard to make peace with that wall.  Finally, I found a place in my heart of "acceptance" of these precious photos. 

Last week, as my husband and I had our first ultrasound, I saw those photos in a whole new light.  As we waited for our ultrasound I sat and studied the faces on that wall before me.  There must have been 200 or more photos all framed and lined up nicely on that wall.  Instead of jealousy, I felt intense pain as I looked at these pictures.  I felt raw emotion and hardship for what the parents of these children had endured.  I wondered "what was their story"?  How long had they awaited these miracles?  How many angels wait in heaven to meet their siblings that line these hallway walls.  The thoughts were overwhelming.  My husband could tell that I was in deep thought.  Eventualy, I lookd at him and said "I hope we add a photo to that wall".  He replied "do you think that is necessary?"  In that instant, I "knew" this wall not only caused me heartache, but it caused others mixed feelings too.  But, it remains another reminder to me....

There is BEAUTY in PAIN

So, this morning, as I read  re-read an excerpt in the ole What to Expect book my mind was once again flooded with emotions and lots of prayer.  I keep asking myself the same repetitious questions, will this baby make it?  Will I add a photo to "that wall"?  Is our little pumpkin still growing and thriving?  I told God that I just needed some reassurance.

When....all of a sudden

A rainbow appeared on the right hand page of the book!  I could not believe my eyes, it was there...and it was real.  Sent straight from Heaven by the one that remains my constant. 

On a complete other note, as I was driving and looking at the moon last night, I could not help but think of my "little firefly" and it brought me to tears.  I was reminded of all the pain and love that I've endured this past year and how my journey has changed, but how so much of it has stayed the same.  I was reminded that I'm still scarred on so many levels...and reminded that healing comes slowly.  However, I continue to cling to FAITH and do my best to "live in this moment" and "choose Today".

I hope that each of you have a wonderful weekend!  And, I continue to pray for you all and call you by name...please pray for us as well.

Instant Love..."Wordy Wednesday"

Well, so much for a Wordless Wednesday...this is going to be "Wordy Wednesday" for me!  It can't be helped.

Monday was our first ultrasound at 7w 0d and to say the least I was very anxious.  For 2 weeks I had worked myself up in anticipation of how the scan would go.  I'd analyzed and over analyzed every symptom or non symptom that my body produced.  Many thoughts swirled in my head and I found myself trying to believe in the best, but preparing for the worst.  What an awful feeling...and I prayed and prayed and prayed.

Thankfully, my husband was with me for the scan that took place at our fertility clinic.  And once again I was relieved when I saw the sweet face of Jenny, my favorite us tech, who would be doing my scan.  She asked how I was doing and the answer was written all over my face.  I said "I'm nervous" and she said "I understand".  Then she asked why and I told her that my symptoms in this pregnancy were so very different than the last...that I'd had no morning sickness or signs of nausea, which concerned me.  She said "you may be one of the people that don't experience that".  Then, she got started....

And the most beautiful little miracle was reveled to us....right before my teary eyes.  It was amazing!  The high resolution scan was so clear and Jenny was the absolute sweetest.   She took her time to get many pictures and explained in great detail what she was looking for and how our baby was measuring perfectly for 7 weeks.  The heart rate was 128.  Then, she turned on the contrast and we were able to see the exchange of blood flow.  Simply amazing!

I am IN LOVE

Jenny was even sweet enough to ask me which pictures I wanted.  I left that to her discretion, noting that she was the photographer, to which she laughed.  I expressed to her how very grateful I was to her for being so kind and thoughtful.  There is certainly a "difference" in the mentality of an us tech that works at a fertility clinic and one that works for an OB...or at least that was my experience.  Jenny sees miracles every day, but she had the gift of being able to make it seem as though our baby was the first she'd ever seen.  What an amazing woman!

After the scan, as I was getting dressed, I asked my husband what he thought, as this is the first ultrasound he's ever seen.  He said it was amazing and that he thought the whole picture looked like a carved pumpkin...uterus, plus baby.

We officially have 1 "Pumpkin" in our patch!  And we are so grateful...

Just last night, my husband came into our bedroom, as I was resting, with the biggest SMILE on his face and said "Guess What?"  I said "what?"  He said "I saw a HUGE shooting star on my way home Monday night"  I asked if he thought that was a sign and he said YES!  I've not seen this kind of emotion from him...ever, and it felt good :)

I hesitated as to whether or not to post these pictures, as I never want to hurt anyone who has supported me.  However, I decided that I would share, as I want to celebrate this child.  I want to celebrate his/her life that is so very precious.  Yes, I am still very afraid of us not moving forward, of something going horribly wrong, but I did vow to live in the moment....and this is our moment.  We continue to thank God for our miracle and ask that you pray for our journey.

7w 0d

For those of you waiting, I offer you love and send prayers your way.  No one has any idea how very hard this journey can be...until you live it.  But, let me offer you some encouragement, take things day by day, and know that you may experience storms of Life, but there will always be sunshine to follow.  Today may be a bad day, but there is always tomorrow.  My heart hurts for all of you and I pray for your day to come very soon.

Finally, I want to make a plea to all of you out there...PLEASE

HELP ME HELP A FRIEND

My precious friend Shan at Loving My Angels is currently seeking a new peri, "high risk" Dr. in the Houston area.  If you or any of your blogger friends "know" a wonderful peri that is kind, compassionate and highly skilled please leave a comment here on my blog or on her blog, Loving My Angels.  Currently, Shan is seeking a second opinion, as she has suffered 3 losses due to incompetent cervix.  If you can help her, please do.  Also, if you would ask for recommendations on your blog for her it would be most appreciated.  The blogger network brings about so much wonderful information.  Continue to pass along love and help us out on this one :)

Much Love

Today's Verse:

If you give up when it's winter, you will no doubt miss the promise of your

spring, the beauty of your summer and the fulfillment of your autumn.

Author Unknown

Keeper Of the Secret

Shhhh....Don't tell

Good Saturday Morning!

I love weekends!  Sleeping late, the quiet, still that envelops me, as I cocoon as long as I wish with no reason to rush about the day.  Ahhhh, it's wonderful!  So, I sit here now in my comfy spot, vanilla steamer in hand, looking out onto my garden, and think...and think...and think.

The constant thought that I am the "Keeper of the Secret".  I've always been very good at not disclosing any information that someone has told me in confidence or asked me not to repeat.  Secrets for me are considered sacred and thus staying mum has never been a real problem.  Until now....

Last night, we went to dinner with our friends Maddy and Steve, who we adore, and had a wonderful night.  Lots of laughs and delicious food at our favorite Mexican restaurant.  Although we haven't known them for a long time, I feel connected to them, as they suffered multiple losses, infertility and  played the game of ART.  Maddy took and interest in our situation right away and urged me to see an RE and was relentless until I told her we had an appointment.  She always seems to "get it" and never holds back in telling my husband the emotional up's and down's of this rocky road.  At any rate, she's a gem and knew that we had done the IUI a few weeks back.

As we sat there talking last night, I knew that she would never ask how things went.  Having walked this road, she knows the boundaries.  Yet, I hated that I felt as if I could not reveal the "secret" to someone who has been so supportive.  Part of me wants to tell the world and the other part of me knows that you just don't and the other part of me wants to keep this all for myself.  Aside from all of you who follow my blog, no one knows our secret.  It saddens me that something so wonderful can not be shared, but I would never risk sharing this news only to have to take it all back.  And that saddens me more....

Why do we have to be so tentative when we want to shout it from the mountain tops?  Because we know "too" much.  And that knowing too much brings about a whole other set of issues.  But, we fight harder, with greater tenacity than ever before to hold on with all our might.  Shoo'ing away the negative thoughts and embracing the moment.  Trying to "live in the moment".

As we were driving to the restaurant last night, hubby and I had a good laugh.  My husband treated himself to a new car and we were driving it for the first time and he was looking at all of the gadgets and fidgeting with this and that, etc...  Before I knew it, I said "you're going to look great in your sports car rocking a car seat".  He laughed and said "I hope we put one back there".  I realized in that moment that I had allowed myself to look forward and it felt good, but I also realized for the first time that he's guarding his heart too.  Often times, I don't know what swirls in his head, but I do know that he wants this child just as much as I do and it felt good to hear those words.

Perhaps, I am finally coming around to the possibility that this child may very well be growing and thriving, despite not being sick like I was last time or feeling totally pregnant.  However, I am experiencing some subtleties that remind me things do feel a "little" different, even if its not as text book as it was last time.  And, I even read in my What to Expect book that symptoms in a first pregnancy are more severe than in subsequent pregnancies, so I will take that for what its worth.  Yes, I had to beat the dust off this book before I could read it, as its been stored away for some time.  And, if you can believe this, I actually looked on line at what's in store for Fall maternity wear.  Okay, I looked at one site, for maybe 5 minutes, but that's a milestone for me!  Always the fashionista, my curiosities got the best of me....

Overall, whatever the outcome, I'm still thankful to have been afforded this opportunity and I am GRATEFUL for this gift.  So grateful to God for blessing my life and for always being my constant.  And I'm grateful for friends who love me and support me, friends who love all sides of me, even the times when I don't walk so gracefully.  I won't say that I don't fall off the wagon from time to time and have my anxious meltdown...I'm human afterall, but I will say that I'm trying to look forward and enjoy this time.

For those of you who are in the throws of a treatment calendar, working toward adoption or are waiting on the next step, my heart aches for you, as I know those feelings all too well.  The fine line that exists between pessimism and optimism...but, choose "optimism", choose "today".  And BELIEVE with all your might that things "will" work out.  I can not tell you how many hours in this life that I wasted living in the negative.  Yet, when I decided to move forward and do my best to live in the positive, that's when everything changed.  Perhaps it was because I was so tired and had just thrown my hands up and said "God, if this is your will, then see it through, if not, then direct my steps".  I had to do what was so incredibly hard for me to do, relinquish total control.  I say total control, because I will be honest, I never fully let go, but I did let go enough to see his promise :) 

Know that I am hopeful for us all and I will continue to pray for miracles and call each of you by name.  You remain on my prayer list and I pray for your specific needs :)  Sending you love and many hugs for a nice, restful weekend. 

Until then...I remain, the "Keeper of a Beautiful Little Secret"

"Secrets are made to be found out with time.”
Charles Stanford

I Choose "Today"

I've made a choice....

I Choose "Today"

As I lay awake in the still darkness of this new day, this Friday morning, I had time to ponder many things.  I had time to just "be" and talk to God and Pray....

I love these moments.  Moments that are not planned, but moments that just "happen".  Perhaps God woke me this morning at 3am for greater purpose than the call to potty.  This morning, this new day, was the moment that I woke and realized that my journey will be what I make it.  I have 2 distinct choices:

Live in Fear

or....

Live in the Moment

I choose to "Live in the Moment"

Living in fear is beyond exhausting and if I realized anything, I realized that I am not in control of my situation.  This journey will be "what it will be" and I can not change it.  I realize that I need to focus my efforts on being positive and living for today, as none of us know what tomorrow will bring.  To let go and "trust" is the most difficult thing I could be asked to do, but its something I must do. 

I won't lie and say that I won't occasionaly look back into the rear view mirror, as I am human.  And it isn't easy to turn over a new leaf, but I'm going to try.  I AM a "work in progress".  I won't tell you that this new pregnancy has cured my ills, it has not.  Sadly, I am still so much of what I was before....a patchwork quilt.  A life juxtoposed of many patterns, worn on the edges, but with a story to tell. 

This is my life, this is my story....and the pages will be as I "choose" to write them.  So, today, I am working on starting this new chapter, putting one foot in front of the other and trying with all my might to believe in the good that's to come. 

My A HA moment may have come at 3am, but it brought me so much clarity and I am grateful to have made this realization.  I'll be honest, I am still worried and scared, but I know that whatever the outcome....I will be okay.  Until then, I want to live for today, live in this moment and enjoy what I've worked so hard to attain.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  And, as always, thank you for walking "with" me. 

Have a wonderful weekend!  No matter where you are on your journey,  I challenge you to "Choose Today"

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."



Psalms 118:24

Fear trumps Happiness...

Happy Thursday bloggie friends!

First, let me say Thank You for all of the comforting words and personal experiences that you left on my last post.  I can honestly say that it helped to ease my fears.  However, I am still very fearful of how things are going.  I'd just like some "real" confirmation that things are progressing as they should. 

Honestly, I had dreamed of what this "next time" would be like and I have to admit that there were days that I wondered if there would even be a next time.  This journey has robbed me of Joy on so many levels and I long for the day that I can feel comfortable again in my own skin.  One would think that getting a positive result would ease my fears, but it has only heightened them.  The daily anxiety is sometimes overwhelming and my mind races to what I will do "if" things don't go according to plan.  Sometimes its just too much!

Over the course of the past year, I have read many, many, blogs and the words I am writing have echoed throughout so many.  A new pregnancy following loss brings about so much fear, not to mention the pain that it drudges up from the past.  The transition from the daily worry of "will I ever get pregnant again" is replaced with "will I bring this baby home".  Crossing over is not an easy adjustment.  It's as if you get on the roller coaster one more time. 

Sadly, I find myself trying to orchestrate yet another back up plan when I should be living in the moment and enjoying what I have today, "this day that the Lord has made".  Instead of praying for peace of heart and mind I am praying for nausea and more symptoms and reassurance that all is well.  Talk about a skewed thought process!  Who prays for nausea?  Someone who has suffered loss, that's who...and its very sad. I even feel guilty for so much of what I am even putting into words on this page.  Why can't I just be "happy"?

Fear is trumping Happiness....and its suffocating me.

I fear that I am actually failing myself in not fully appreciating this moment that I have longed for.  There is also lot of guilt that comes with this new chapter.  What a plethora of emotions in this head of mine that can't seem to stop turning.  And to think that my therapist talked me into cancelling my appointment, as she thought I would be "okay"...and I believed her.  She had more faith in me than I have in myself.

Overall, I suppose these emotions stem from spending more than a year of everything going wrong and nothing going right.  Getting knocked down again and again and again.  And when something finally goes right its hard to accept.  Please continue to pray for me...pray that I can find peace of mind.

In the meantime, I will be praying for more than nausea :)  I do know that "he" is my constant and "he" will not forsake me...and once again I will ask for him to direct my steps. 

And...I will tie that ROPE one more time.

And...I will grasp FAITH with both hands.

Much love to you all and thank you for encouraging me
xxxx

(II Corinthians 12:9-10) 9 He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.

Anxiety has Arrived

Hello Sweetest Friends,

I hope that each of you are well and that you enjoyed your holiday weekend.  My hubby and I journeyed to NC to the lake house and enjoyed our opportunity to say good-bye to Summer and usher in the coming Fall.  I love this time of year and the change of seasons.

Today marks 6w 3d and I can honestly say that I am riddled with worry.  The kind of anxiety that consumes your day and suffocates your joy.  To date, I have very few symptoms, aside from being a little tired and boobs that feel heavy and achy.  In comparison, this pregnancy is so different from my last.  The last time I had text book symptoms starting at 5 weeks...soreness in the lower back, sore boobs, morning sickness, aversions to food and smells and fatigue, etc...  Now, things are completely different and I am worried beyond worried to the point of having bad dreams.

My feelings bounce back and forth between optimism and pessimism.  Optimism in this pregnancy being completely different from the last which ended in miscarriage and pessimism in not feeling as if this pregnancy is progressing as it should.  And it does not help that all of the material that I have read suggests that your hormones rage at 6 weeks and the morning sickness should be setting in.  I never thought I would pray for morning sickness, but I am, I need reassurance. 

To make matters worse, my RE can not get me in for an ultrasound until next week, which will mark 7 weeks.  Apparently, his schedule is slammed. 

Honestly, seeing a positive result only makes this journey more difficult, as there is a fine line between loss and a new pregnancy.  Once you have been through loss it is so hard to fully embrace the joy and live in the moment, as there is no guarantee of the outcome.  It's sad....so very sad.

During my last clinic visit for a blood draw to check my hCG level (two weeks ago) I overheard another lady asking the nurse "when do I get my due date?"  The nurse explained that hCG levels would be followed, an ultrasound done and then a due date given.  I sat there and envied this woman's naivete, as she had no real sense of all that could go wrong....and I was happy that she was not privy to all that I know.

So, for now, I am going to try and focus on the positives:
*an IUI that worked the very first time
*a positive result
*feeling good
*having a wonderful support system
*God's grace
*a sweet, supportive husband

Our protocol:
Clomid + Ovidrel, followed by IUI
*started progesterone at 17 days past ovulation.

Please keep us in your prayers....and know that I have been praying for all of you by name.  I promise, I am grateful, but this road is just so hard. Anyone else out there with little to no symptoms at 6 weeks?  Or a first ultrasound at 7 weeks following IUI?  I'd appreciate your thoughts.

xoxox

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid."



John 14:27

Prayer of Praise During and After the Storm

Yesterday, as I was searching for some other readings from the book of Psalms I came across this one.  It touched my soul and I wanted to pass it along to you.  I feel these words so strongly....

Many, many thanks for your beautiful words, congrats, understanding and love.  Please keep us in your prayers, as this is an overwhelming time.  Yes, I am ever so grateful and I rejoice in his gift, but the past seems to continue to creep in and rob that joy.  I'm willing myself forward, one day at a time :)

Much Love and Many Thanks for being here for me....
xoxo

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.



3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.



4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.



5 You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.



6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.



7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?



8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths,  you are there.



9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,



10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.



11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"



12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.



13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.



14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;


your works are wonderful,


I know that full well.