FAITH is a RISK

Happy Wednesday Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Well, this won't be a wordless Wednesday post for me, as I have more to say :)  Yesterday, in the mail, I received a book from my Mother.  The book is titled Beyond the Sorrow and is authored by Tammy Trent.  The author penned this book after losing her husband in a tragic accident.  Now, she talks to others and shares her story, one of which was my Mom.

As for the book, I opened it this morning and wanted to share what I read titled

FAITH IS A RISK

The entries in the book are short and inspirational, so here goes....

Dance Like No One is Watching

I love these thoughts I heard from my very good friend Luci Swindoll:

"Work like you don't need the money.  Love like you've never been hurt.  Dance like no one is watching and live like it's heaven on earth."

Sometimes all we want is a safe path with no risks.  But you can't dance if you don't risk standing up and trying to take a step forward.  You can't live if you don't take any chances either.  We need to say yes to life, even if we can't control the outcome of our life's  story.  Be brave.  Choose to live and embrace your life with Joy.

"Then you will call my name.  You will come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will search for me.  And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!  I will let you find me," says the LORD.
Jeremiah 29: 12-14

Faith is a risk, but not having faith is also a risk.  We risk missing out on our lives becoming a part of the greatest love story of all time...
the story of God who loved us so much that he left Heaven to be with us.

John 3:16

So that's it!  Just wanted to share and to also say a special thank you to my blogger friend Lori for thinking of me and sharing her thoughts on FAITH with me over the past few days.  Love you Lori!

Have a wonderful Wednesday friends and know that I continue to pray for you all.

xxx

13 weeks and Sharing the News

Happy Sunday Bloggie Friends!

Well, the cat is officially out of the bag!  I have to admit that I was uneasy about telling friends, but could no longer deny my husband the joy of divulging the secret.  On Saturday night we went to dinner with 2 couples who've shared our journey and another "new" couple that we're all getting to know, as they are new comers to our area.  The new comers had just gotten engaged and we started off dinner by celebrating their engagement.

Everything about the start of the evening seemed so perfect and I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable among friends.  For the first time I did not sit in dread of what questions I'd be asked or the topics of conversation that would surface about. 

UNTIL....

I gazed at the table that was directly in front of us where many people were assembled at a long table.  The group was joyous, laughing  and enjoying a beautiful evening.  They were unwrapping gifts....oohing and cooing and holding up little onesies, blankies and a host of other baby items.  The scene caught me totally off guard, as had not expected to be bombarded in a place that I considered "safe" with a full on grandparent's baby shower.  And to top things off, the Grandmother works for my husband!  How's that for ironic?  All I could think about was how the "triggers" still come.  I thought about how I would have reacted if this had happened 3 months ago...how I would have melted on the inside and how it would have affected me for days.  The reminders of how painful scenes such as these are were apparent.

Once over that hurdle and purposefully fixating on a night with friends I was once again comfortable in the setting of wonderful friends.  My sweet friends were chattering and laughing and surveying the menu while sipping vino, yet no one asked why I was not partaking.  They know the boundaries and they respect our privacy.  However, my friend Amy did begin talking to me about our mutual friend and reminded me that her IVF retrieval would be today or tomorrow.  Then the conversation turned to "me" and the dreaded question loomed....she said "how are things going with your RE?"  I said "we're good".  She then asked "are you doing more treatments?"  I just said "we're hanging in there".  The genuine care and concern kept coming, to which I looked across the table at hubby and said "you can tell the secret".  He then let the cat our of the bag.  Our table erupted!  There were hugs, fist bumps, high fives, smiles and the love overflowed.

IT FELT GOOD

Yes, I am still fearful, but its time to feel the joy.  Time to take some tiny steps forward.  I know this is going to be challenging, but I'm going to give it a whirl :)

On another note, I visited my OB for the first time on Friday.  The whole environment was an adjustment from the peaceful RE's office.  There were babies crying, Mothers shuffling about and bumps to be seen.  The total opposite of my RE's office.  Thankfully, my Toe Twin,  Nan, held my hand via text through my anxiety.  Love you Nan!

Finally, it was my turn to see Dr. D, who I adore.  She offered congrats and did the usual evaluation and talked with me about the various testing offered.  To be quite honest, I was overwhelmed by the push to make a decision on testing and asked for pro's and con's, to which she explained, but I can not even begin to remember all that she said.  So, as usual, I reverted to my own method of research and have opted to do the NT scan (which will be sometime next week) and am still reading up on the rest.  Any advice appreciated.

Once my exam concluded Dr. D. offered to give me a listen to our baby's heart beat, as I'd never heard it.  She whipped out the doppler and began looking...she looked and looked....and looked and looked.  After looking extensively there was no heart beat to be picked up.  I wanted to panic, but suppose I was just in some sort of denial of what was happening.  Dr. D. then said "lets get an ultrasound".  She never panicked, was totally calm and ever the professional.  I was still in my state of blurr....She started the scan and immediately said "I see movement".  My heart rested, and truth be told, hers did too,  but I was still in that blurr, fog state, which I soon realized was the hand of God placed gently upon me.  Dr. D. said she thought the baby was a girl because she was modest and running away from her :)  Turns out that my tilted uterus is the culprit in my Dr. not being able to hear the heartbeat via doppler.  Deep breaths, right?

So, that is my weekend in a nut shell....Just one girl who remains grateful for her miracle, grateful for loving friends, grateful for a sweet hubby who gives tummy kisses and grateful for a God that continues to be my constant.

Please pray for my sweet friend, who knows who she is, as I love her to the Moon and Back!  No specifics, but God knows what they are.

Much Love to you all and I continue to keep you in my prayers
xxx

My Favorite Verse this Week:  Job 9:10  

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.
 

12 Weeks! To tell or not to Tell?

Hello Bloggie Friends!

Happy Wednesday to you all and I pray that you all have a wonderful weekend ahead.  What's new here?  Well, we officially reached 12 weeks on Monday!  And we decided to tell our parents on Sunday night, which was wonderful, but since telling them my emotions have been all over the map. 

First, I told my Mom (my father is in Heaven) by calling her, as she lives about 2 hours away.  We talked and she was telling me that her schedule was hectic and that she was busy as a bee with no time to spare for anything.  I laughed and told her that she probably needed to work on clearing that schedule, as she was going to be a Grand Mommy again!  My Mother cried and praised God for granting us this miracle.  She then told me that she had been praying non-stop for hubby and I and had even dropped a prayer card in the prayer box at her last Ya Ya Sisterhood prayer meeting.  I expressed to my Mom that I was very grateful and felt so blessed, but that I was also VERY afraid.  After many months of grieving and TTC with no success my heart is still fragile and I still can't help but feel overwhelmed. 

After expressing how fearful I was of another loss, my Mother said to me "honey, you have to have FAITH".  I told her that I did have FAITH, but this journey had been so hard and that I just try to rely on God's guidance and BELIEVE.  She then told me that she had a hunch that I was pregnant, as the last time she saw me "I seemed to have THE look".  Mother's intuition I guess :)

Next, my hubby called his parents and asked that they both get on the phone at the same time.  He then told them to check their email...they did and found an email titled "Meet Your Grandchild"!  They opened the email and there was the 3D photo of the little pumpkin.  It was such an exciting moment for them, as they were so happy.  My FIL actually cried.  They then told us how much they had prayed and said that we had no idea just how many people were praying for us.  To know that so many people were lifting us up and we did not know was simply amazing! 

During our chat with my MIL & FIL, I could tell they wanted to shout our news to the mountain tops and tell the world.  However, I asked they please keep the "secret" for a while longer, as I'm still anxious and am not ready to be faced with congrats and lots of questions.  I know this seems odd, but I'm just not ready yet.  Every day I try to jump another hurdle and work my way through this process.  And its difficult.

Just yesterday, I found myself crying, as it hit me this is not our first announcement.  Yet, everyone acts as if it is and that saddens me in many ways.  I planned everything to a T for our first announcement...wanted the BIG surprise factor, etc...  And this time it was simple, as I still feel robbed of that "first time experience".  I'm still working my way past those feelings and do well most of the time, but in this instance it overwhelmed me.  Overall, I know that I have to do things on my own terms and that I must stand firm in telling others that I'm still working on me.

On a happier note, here's the first 12 week belly shot!




12 Weeks!

Weight Gain so far:  2 1/2 pounds

Likes:  I love the smoked turkey Firehouse Sub!  I've eaten it the past 3 days for lunch and until now I never knew it existed.  Reeses pieces, since I can't have the chocolate I really love.  Gummy Worms!  Candy Corn...do you see a trend?  This little pumpkin loves junk!  And of course anything pumpkin!  Oh, and Hi C fruit punch, which I have not had since I was 3!

Dislikes:  Well, I hate to say it, but veggies repulse me right now, but I choke them down :)

Stretch Marks:  No, but Palmers cocoa butter lotion is my best friend. I'm bathing in it!

Sleep:  Yes, I'm sleeping...well, until I have to wake to go potty :)  I swear, I think I can find my way to the loo with my eyes closed these days.

What I Miss:  Soft cheeses and my daily Green Tea.  But, its totally worth it!

What I'm Lovin' Today:  The Little Pumpkin and my Fabulous Friends!  I just can not tell you all how very much I appreciate your love, prayers and friendship.  I continue to pray for all of you and have such FAITH in your journeys.  I know what it feels like to feel left behind and struggle to find your way when it seems as if the rest of the world can just "blink" and get pregnant.  But, I say to you, just as my Mother said to me, HAVE FAITH :)

Today's Thought:

“Come to the edge.”



“We can't. We're afraid.”


“Come to the edge.”


“We can't. We will fall!”


“Come to the edge.”


And they came.


And he pushed them.


And they flew.

Much Love to you all and have a wonderful rest of the week!

What I'm Lovin' Today

I've said it before, and I will say it again, I LOVE FALL! 

The crisp air, the rustle of the trees, the smells in the air, pumpkins, cider and I could go on and on and on....

AND

What I'm Lovin' Today....

This little Face...

This little Face and That little Face...My little LOVE & My Big Love

AND...This Beautiful Face

Fall Colour

The Pumpkin Bread I had for breakfast

A Pumpkin Spice Steamer

The pumpkins on my Porch!

My Hubby...who kissed my tummy this morning and told our baby he loved it.  He then kissed me and informed me that our baby would begin to hear soon.  I asked him how he knew that??  He informed me it was on the wall at the RE's office and he could read...LOL

Violas!  Their Faces are SO cute!  This was taken last year, but I'm planting some gorgeous blue and yellow ones today.

Lovin' this Book!  P. Allen Smith is the absolute BEST!

Terrariums!  If you can't grown anything, you can grow a terrarium!  I'm lovin' them and you can get so creative with the containers that you use.

My new cruiser bike that I am waiting for...more details to come :)
PS  It WILL have a wicker basket on the front!


What are you Lovin' Today?

Have a Fabulous Saturday! 

Jump In a Pile of Leaves!

Drink a Cider

and

Just BE....





11 Weeks & I Love You MORE than Cup Cakes!

Today was a BEAUTIFUL day.

Today, was the day we got another glimpse of our little Pumpkin.

Today, we hit 11 weeks...what a milestone!

Today, we graduated from RE to OB.

Today, we PRAISE GOD for our Miracle!

11 weeks

3D image of the Little Pumpkin

This trip to the RE was yet again riddled with anxiety, but I kept trying to tell myself to stay calm.  God was giving me that extra little nudge and I could feel it :)  We were called back for our scan and I had that flash of intense emotion that is indescribable, but took a deep breath and prayed for the best.  Our ultrasound tech was sweet and got things started.  Immediately, I felt a sense of calm, as I saw little arms moving about and my nerves calmed drastically.  For several minutes the tech continued to get photos from various angles and was smiling as she looked on.  I said to her, "I'm sure that even though babies often look the same, they are all very different".  She then said, "I never get to see them this far along, as most patients graduate to their OB's at 9 weeks, so this is exciting"  We continued to look at our little pumpkin, or should I say wiggle worm for several more minutes and I was in awe at the miracle before my eyes. 

It's official....

I LOVE YOU MORE than CUP CAKES!

Following the scan we met with our RE, who we've come to adore, and he expressed how happy he was that things were progressing so well.  He told me that he would be releasing me to the care of my OB, as his work was done.  After all, he had kept me for 2 weeks longer than most patients and I was so grateful.  However, I have that parting from his office was bittersweet.  In the time I have been there I've grown to love the nurses and front desk staff.  They all wished us well and Dr. K made me promise to come by and show off in his words "my big belly".  I found that to be endearing, as he takes pride in what he does.  He also encouraged me to take pre-natal classes and read everything I could get my hands on....then he laughed and said "this baby will be 18 before you know it"!

While I was standing in the hallway talking to and joking with our wonderful Dr., nurse Stephanie passed me with "magic goods" in hand and was headed into an exam room to do an IUI.  I have no idea who she was inseminating, but in that moment I found myself lost in prayer for the recipient.  To be honest, I always pray for everyone who enters the doors of that clinic, as I know the mountains that are climbed and hurdles jumped to get there.

Today, I thank God for a wonderful day, another glimpse of our beautiful baby and his guidance that keeps me directed. 

And, I thank God for all of you who continue to walk beside me and encourage me.

Today's Verse:  "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."


1 Corinthians 13:13

Living with Anxiety!

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Happy Hump Day!  Where has this week gone?  I've been so busy with work that I've hardly noticed the passing of time.  However, that is probably the only thing I haven't noticed.  It seems as though I stalk every pregnancy symptom to the n'th degree these days and try to evaluate it to the fullest.  Little do I know that my questions to Dr. Google do nothing but add to the anxiety.  I need to ban myself from the internet! 

Overall, I feel good, but do get tired on occasion and find myself taking a nap....which, by the way, I love naps!  To date, I've yet to experience any morning sickness or nausea, but do have aversions to some foods and some things just taste weird.  Other than that, my skin itches and I feel an occasional twitch here and there, but not much more. 

However, the one thing that is concerning is that my breast were incredibly sore and heavy up until about the 9.5 week mark, but the soreness has faded  at 10 weeks and is not strong at all.  Still a little tender, but nothing like they were.  I want to chalk it up to hormones, but of course I'm obsessing about the what if's.  I'm trying to remind myself that we did see a perfect growing baby at 9 weeks and that symptoms come and go, but the worry is still there.  Anyone else have this happen?

Our next scan will be at 11 weeks and of course I will obsess until then, but am praying for a sense of calm.  Thankfully, my RE agreed to keep me for this last scan and postponed my graduation date :)  At my last appointment my RE talked with me at length about my anxiety issues and reiterated to me that its normal given what I've been through.  He was very optimistic and said that I needed to start preparing for this baby, but my head just can't seem to do that just yet.  I don't know when I will be able to make those next steps.  Please continue to pray for us and for our growing little pumpkin.

In the meantime, I will be praying for each of you and sending extra love and hugs your way for a wonderful rest of the week.

Much Love and Prayers Always, 

10 Weeks and 10 Beautiful Years

Sweetest Bloggie Friends....

HAPPY SUNDAY & HAPPY FALL...oh, how I love this time of year.

It was the very end of September that I tied the knot with my sweetest and I'm ever so happy to have found the one that is "my sunshine".  10 years seem to have flown....where has the time gone?  We've lived and loved and explored the world.

  AND

We have been blessed in countless, exponential ways.  Just another reason to proclaim....

GOD IS GOOD




Our Wedding Day



Leaving the Church...the isle was too small and my dress too big!  Hubby had to follow behind!

10 weeks and 10 Beautiful Years....

Our little "pumpkin" will be 10 weeks tomorrow and there is not a moment that goes by that I don't thank God for this miracle.  Last weeks appointment for another scan brought about uncontrollable anxiety.  I was shaking as we waited for our ultrasound and many, many thoughts swirled in my head as I waited for what we would see.  I prepared myself for the worst and prayed for the best...I smiled at the beautiful face sitting across from me, waiting her turn too.  The husbands seemed relaxed and confident, but I felt a kinship to this perfect stranger, almost as if I had some sort of ESP.  I could read her emotions....she was riddled with anxiety as well.  I could only pray.

In a few moments our anxiety was calmed, as we saw our baby...little heart flickering away.  What a beautiful sight!  The ultrasound tech was incredibly kind, not our sweet Jenny, but another nice lady who took her time to get lots of peeks, despite my uterus being positioned straight up and down.  She even took the time to do a second scan from the belly so that we could get a much better visual of our baby.  We saw arms and legs and were overwhelmed and a bit relieved.

9 weeks

We then met with our wonderful RE, who was encouraging.  I expressed my anxiety and he was calming, saying that was "normal" given what I had been through.  However, he was very optimistic...thank you Dr. K for that!  He seems to have a way of calming my fearful heart.  He's funny in his own way too, as he told my husband to have a seat on the end of the exam table, as there was only one chair and a Dr's stool in the exam room.  Then he laughed and said to my hubby "kind of makes you feel vulnerable doesn't it"  Oh the humor of men who will never experience feet in stirrups!

Overall, things are going well.  I'm still anxious and fearful, but trying to stay optimistic.  My dearest IRL friend asked if we had begun to think about names...I could only cry and say "I just can't".  Then she asked "when" I would feel as if things were safe and I told her never.  She said that saddened her, as she wanted me to enjoy this time.  Then, she asked me to set a time frame for myself to move forward....what a hard thing to do, but I knew her intentions, as she is a wonderful, genuine, human being who loves me so much.   There is just so much of the past that looms over me....its hard to shake.  It's sad. 

I'm a work in progress.....

I pray that each of you who are on your own journeys are doing well.  My heart is with you and I think of you and pray for you often.  To my kindred spirit, Deni, thank you so much for the adorable gift!  I will think of you next Fall when the little pumpkin is wearing that adorable outfit.  And to my Toe Twin, Nan, thank you for the beautiful "rainbow" plaque.  I put it on my bulletin board so that I see it each day.  I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends!

My Front Porch...dressed for Fall

Okay, so I could keep writing and end up with a novel post today, but I will stop here.  Much love to each of you and I send love, prayers and continued encouragement.

Today's Quote:   You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss



XXX