Symphony of Thoughts at 22 Weeks

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Can you believe the New Year is just around the corner?  I can...and lately I find myself reflecting on the many moments of 2010.  And I won't kid myself, many of those moments were spent in the valley, under grey skies, on a yellow brick road full of potholes that seemed to be all up hill.  I pee'd on countless sticks, temped and charted endless cycles, shot Robitussin, bathed in Pre-Seed, became a sexual contortionist, propped my hips, gave up caffeine and alcohol,  doubted myself, cried a river of tears, anticipated adoption, landed on a shrinks sofa, read every TTC tip know to man, wore more paper skirts and assumed the position more times than I want to count, and tightly held hands with disappointment as I trudged on and prayed daily for the greatest storm of my LIFE to pass.

Looking back is painful.....

However, moving forward comes with its own set of issues as well.  No one really prepares you for the barrage of emotions that you feel when you cross over.  The fears, the anxiety, the doubt and oh yes, more tears.  My head has been filled with worry since the day I first saw my BFP.  I worried if my Betas were rising and when they were I moved on to worrying about what we would see at our first ultrasound.  From there on it was anxiety about future ultrasounds, the NT Scan, etc...  Every beautiful day brings forward another set of obstacles.

Initially, I thought I would feel more secure once Little Bunny hit 12 weeks, or 16 weeks or 20 weeks, but the worries still keep coming.  I suppose they will until I hold him/her in my arms.  Or, as my dear friend Nan told me, "you will never stop worrying", even once they get here.  Whew, this road of life following loss is a hard one to navigate as well.  But, I thank GOD every day that I am on it!

What Else is New Around Here? 

Christmas:

Christmas was so nice...quiet and relaxing.  Hubby and I spent the holiday at home and my Mom came to be with us.  Our extended family was strewn from Nevada to Seattle this year.  Sad, but we are thankful that everyone is healthy and we look forward to next year.

This was our Christmas card.  I never knew just how many people were praying for us until I sent this card.  The phone calls, text and letters of well wishes were overwhelming.  Our hearts were touched in profound ways and we continue to Thank GOD for this MIRACLE.  I didn't send this card to all of my baby loss friends still struggling, but opted for another, as I can remember how I felt last year when I continued to get cards with announcements and photos of children.  It just hurt too much and I would never want to do that to anyone else.

This was a favorite gift that I received from my Mom.  It's by Willow Tree and is titled "Awaiting a Miracle".  You can imagine the river of tears that followed upon opening it. 

I also received a precious note in my stocking from my husband which read:

It isn't the gifts, it isn't the tree, it's being together...that's Christmas to me.  Long after the holidays have ended I'll still be celebrating the best gift of all....

You and Little Bunny

Next year we will be celebrating with a 1/2 year old!  Can't wait for our little thumper :)

And, I can't wait for this....I've always loved photography and look forward to getting behind the lens!

And oh what a Surprise did appear on December 22nd!

We welcomed the newest addition to our family 3 weeks early.  He is the son of my Brother and SIL and has a Big Brother, my Little Love.  Apparently, he wanted to see Santa this year!  We remain thankful to GOD that he is healthy and arrived safe.  I can't wait to see him, but due to my inability to fly it will be a while.  I know he and Little Bunny are going to have many adventures!

Frolicking, Fun and a Sugar Rush!

My Friend Jo Jo took me for a holiday treat to my favorite cup cake bakery!  It's the absolute best...

Wee Jay making the boxes for the countless orders!  I love this lady...she has brightened my day with her sweet spirit more times than I can count.

Oh sweet spoon full of sugared bliss!

We indulged in (from top to bottom) Pink Peppermint Butter cream & Chocolate, Coconut with 7 minute frosting and my Favorite, S'mores!  It was a tiny taste of heaven!  This place ROCKS!

Check out the line, need I say more?  You gotta go...Muddy's Bake Shoppe, Memphis, TN!

And then there's this...

22 Weeks!

What's happening?

Maternity Clothes:  Yes, and I keep looking for things that are super comfy!  I could absolutely live in leggings and tunics...if only I could find more tunics.

Tunic from Belly Dance Maternity

I found this reference in this months issue of Pregnancy magazine.  Suppose I'm going to order it!  Every fashionista could use a few style tips...right?  Available on Amazon.com.  Book by: Amy Tara Koch, style expert for VOGUE.

How I'm Feeling:  I feel good despite some hip pain that comes and goes.  The mild cramping still appears on occasion, usually at night, but is nothing intense and follows no pattern.  I continue to drink tons of water and think the cramping is due to a growing baby and stretching uterus.  And, yes, the round ligament pain keeps rearing its head, but I welcome it :)

Sleep:  Oh sweet sleep where have you gone?  I'm sleeping well, but do toss and turn from side to side all night long.  Lately, I have been experiencing some hip pain after laying on the same side for too long.

Weight Gain:  I have no clue....

Likes/Dislikes:  Sweetart Mini's Rock!

What I miss:  Ok, I'm going to be honest...I miss my hair being Hi-Lighted, as it's looking quite drab and I also miss long, hot baths.  BUT, neither of these can replace what I have right now and I'm glad to give them up :)

Thoughts:  Little Bunny is moving about all over the place and I absolutely love it!  Those little thumps never get old.  Hubby and I talk to little bunny every night and tell him/her how much we love him.  We continue to guess the gender and we still can't settle on any names.  Fear and anxiety still creep in, but I've come to accept it for what it is...life in the new normal.  As for the nursery, I'm taking tiny steps and not rushing anything, but do have some thoughts about what I'd like to do.

Happy NEW Year's Eve...Eve!

I wish you all a wonderful new year...filled with HOPE and Promise of GOD's Favor.  Continue to hold on to FAITH and let no one steal your dreams, as MIRACLE's do happen.

xxx

21 Weeks and A Mixed Bag of Emotions

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

This post finds me celebrating twenty one-derful weeks!  I am SO GRATEFUL and continue to thank GOD daily for this miracle.  I will be honest and tell you that I still worry, have anxiety and pray that we will bring Little Bunny home safe in our arms.  Just last week I panicked when I didn't feel little Bunny moving around at night when he/she us usually active.  I tried my best to not worry, but decided to put my fears to rest and was able to quickly find sweet baby by doppler...thanks to a VERY generous, close friend and fellow baby loss Mom who loaned me her doppler.  I can not say thank you enough for the kindness and love that "you" continue to show me. 

Also, as of late, I have experienced some mild cramping episodes.  They don't last long and do not follow a pattern, they are just random and may only happen 1-2 times per day.  However, this morning I called my OB and spoke to her nurse to talk through my concerns.  She advised drinking more water, resting and not over doing it....I've been going non-stop trying to get ready for Christmas.  At any rate, I wanted reassurance and feel better now, as my nurse said the "mild" cramping could also be due to uterine stretching and a growing baby.

I'm not sure when or IF I will ever be comfortable and not worry....but I'm trying.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers, as there is such a mixed bag of emotions in my head right now.  I tend to cry at the drop of a hat and have come to accept it as hormonal and just another part of this journey.  However, I continue to ask GOD for guidance and to direct my steps.

I continue to be asked "when" we are going to start nursery preparations and I'm just not there yet.  Honestly, I don't know when I will be, but am starting to look at some items and took a moment last Saturday to look at the room for possible furniture placement.  Also, I perused some iron cribs on line to check availability and found one that I love.  Perhaps I will start some sketches, ear mark some things and select a paint color....get it all down on paper and "maybe" sometime in late February order and have some things constructed.  For now, I'm just trying to keep my head in the right direction, as fear overwhelms me some days.  Just this week I saw a book titled Pregnancy After Loss at the book store and glanced through it.  Let's just say it was spot on and why I left it on the shelf evades me.  I guess I didn't want to face the reality of my journey again, didn't want to look into the rear view mirror.  It just hurts too much....

Little Bunny at 21 weeks!  Oh how we love you sweet baby....you are moving around all over the place and your Mama can't get enough of you.  I long to meet you and your Daddy and I are SO in LOVE with you.

Cami and Sparkle-Sequined Sweater both Liz Lange from Target

FASHION FINDS FOR "THE BUMP"

Black Pin Whale Corduroy Pants by AG

Oh My Goodness!  Can I just tell you how incredibly comfy these pants are!  I was shopping for a much needed pair of jeans, to no avail, as they all kept falling down and just looked bad...I tried probably 6 styles.  Anyway, the sales lady suggested these and they are a little piece of heaven!  Pricey, but so worth it and they were even on SALE.  Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

Fun Ruched Side Black and White Striped Top.  It fits great and will be very versatile...can be layered under a cardigan and paired with my black AG Cords or jeans, providing I find some.  For now, its my pre-pregnancy jeans with the good ole Be Band (Targets version of the Bella Band).  Top Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

Great Top!  It's a pretty shade of blue and hugs the bump!  Great transitional piece that I hope to get lots of mileage out of.

Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

FIRST SNOW FALL

First Snow Fall of the Year and this is the South!

Garden dusted with snow


CHRISTMAS GOODIE RECIPE

Hello Dolly Cookie Bars!
Ingredients:  Unsalted Butter, Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips, Graham Cracker Crumbs, Flake Coconut, Pecans and sweetened condensed milk.

Melt 1/2 c. unsalted butter and mix with 1 c. Graham Cracker Crumbs

Pack Mixture into 13x9 baking dish

Top with 1 c. Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips.  You can also add 1 c. of butterscotch morsels if you like. 

Add 1 c. Chopped Coconut and 1 c. Chopped Pecans

Top by Pouring 1 can (15oz) of sweetened condensed milk over top of mixture.  Bake in pre-heated oven at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes.  Let cool and cut into bars.  Easy and SO good!   

Hello Dolly!  And hello Yummy!   I made these last weekend and they are super quick and easy....like no brainer easy!

Sending each of you love and prayers and safe travels as you enjoy Christmas with family and friends.  Please pray for those who are less fortunate...hungry and homeless...and for the children who may receive nothing, as this thought absolutely breaks my heart.  And please pray for our military men and women in harms way, both near and far, who allow us daily freedoms.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and I wish you blessings in the NEW YEAR.

Ps. My SIL is currently in labor...please pray for the safe arrival of their baby boy who is making a Christmas debut instead of January.  He's decide he's coming early and wants to be here to celebrate.

Much Love,

Deck the Halls & 20 Weeks!

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Wow!  Another weekend is almost here and I can hardly believe the count down to Christmas is here!  Where do the days go?  Last week was one crazy week and this week has brought more of the same.  However, this week I reached a milestone, I'm officially half way there!  Little Bunny and I are 20 weeks and I am ever so grateful.  There were days when I never thought I would see this day and I praise GOD every day for this growing miracle.

What's been going on here?

Saturday night, hubby and I went to a dinner party hosted by 2 of our very dear friends who live downtown on the river.  It was a party of 4 couples and we had the most wonderful time.  Everyone took turns rubbing the little bunny and I think Molly the dog was jealous!  Our friends even revealed they were planning a couples shower for us, which I though was incredibly sweet, and offered to do it "when I was ready".  My friend Mel suggested a date sometime in April, as she is aware of my anxieties, which I appreciated.  (At the moment, I just can't wrap my head around showers or nursery planning...maybe later)  She also extended to me the use of some pre-natal YOGA cd's, some maternity clothes and also her breast pump....my heart melted.  The love that has been shown to us is incredible and we are soaking it up. 

We've decked the halls!

Trimmed the tree!  This is the first time in 10 years that we have not had a live tree.  However, with pouring rains, ice and no where to defrost a live tree...we opted for the topiary Christmas tree that has been in hiding.  And it couldn't be more perfect!

This little ornament has special meaning to me...the true meaning of Christmas. 

The mantle is adorned and Christmas cards sent and received.

And a Little Project that goes something like this.....

1)  Take a strand of beads, I used silver beads

2)  String them between 2 points

3)  Clip Christmas cards to the beads in clothes line style and voila!  A card display!

I strung the cards from side to side on my book case and also in front of the fireplace.

The paper whites are planted and the poinsettia too.

Add a poinsettia to any container and fill in around it with moss and its beautiful.

I made my very own BLOG HEADER!!! Yea, as I am so not tech savy...big accomplishment for me!

And my little LOVE...the Cowboy!  I couldn't resist sharing....I love this little man and he has filled my heart with such joy.  Just recently he said to his mommy, "mommy, you have a baby in your tummy, Aunt Gracie has a baby in her tummy and Aunt Bebe (me) has a baby in her tummy....do all girls have babies in their tummies???  LOL

Celebrating a Milestone....We're HALF WAY!

20 Wonderful Weeks!

What's Happening?

Maternity Clothes:  I'm slowly adding to the wardrobe

How I'm feeling?  I'm feeling good.  Still dealing with some sciatica and also the pesky SI joints, but I'll take it!

Sleep?  oh how I love my zzzz's

Weight Gain?  Not sure

Likes/Dislikes?  I'm still loving those gummy worms and sweetart mini's

What I Miss?  Absolutely nothing!  Little Bunny is worth every sacrifice made and every ounce of discomfort

Best Moment of the Week?  1)  Feeling Little Bunny's movements.  My little gymnast is all over the place...even as I type he/she is "thumping" away.  Hence, Hubby calls Little Bunny "Thumper" sometimes.

1)  Hubby Giving Little Bunny "Good Night Rubs"

So, that's it from here!  I hope that each of you has a wonderful weekend.  I continue to pray for those who are hurting, as I know this is a very difficult time of year.  Hold tightly to FAITH and never lose sight of HOPE.  And "God Winks" to all....

Today's Quote:  No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb it with you.

Helen Steiner Rice

Surviving Seasonal Blues & Celebrating 19 weeks

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Seasonal Blues and how to work through them....

I hope this post finds each of you doing well and making your way through the Holiday Season, which can be terribly difficult.  Last year, I spent my days leading up to Christmas in a fog.  My heart was so heavy and the holiday blues had overwhelmed me.  I could only focus on the part of me that was missing, the hole in my heart and the child that I would never know.  Grief had overcome me and it mattered not that I was 7 months post loss.  However, I knew in my heart that if I wanted to find some sense of peace during the Holiday Season that I needed to redirect my grieving.

For me, finding healing meant reaching out to help another.  Thus, I partnered with a local charity and gathered clothing for local homeless, men, women and children.  I found peace in paying it forward to offer aid to those in need.  Often times when we are hurting it is reaching out to another that helps to soothe an aching heart.  In no way was my grief taken away, but it was lessened.  I gave back to my community as my way of honoring my Angel through Project Christian Cares.  The project was a complete success and looking back my grief burden was lessened through paying it forward.  And I thank God for urging me in the right direction.

So, for those of you who are making your way through this difficult season, I want you to know that someone out there has been exactly where you are today.  It's the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but I want you to know that you will make it.  Cling to HOPE and never lose sight of FAITH and look for ways to help another.  I promise, your heart will be filled and your spirits encouraged....and I will be praying that peace and comfort find you.  Rest in "Him".

Celebrating 19 weeks!

I can hardly believe that Little Bunny and I have made it to 19 weeks!  On Monday, I saw my wonderful OB and went for the BIG scan.  I was very nervous as Dr. D. evaluated our baby's organs and preformed various measurements, but everything turned out to be fine.  Praise God!  We watched as Little Bunny raised his/her arms above the head, wiggled legs and even sucked his/her thumb.  Talk about the sweetest moment! 

Before Dr. D. started the scan, we told her that we did not want to find out the gender.  She was excited and said "I didn't find out with my son either".  When the time came to check below the abdomen she told us to close our eyes....we all laughed :)  We reminded her that she was the ultimate keeper of the secret, which she loved.  Then, she reminded us that our baby could now hear and urged us to start reading Good Night Moon, as she laughed and recited many lines from the classic book.  I laughed and said "I think you've read that book a thousand times"....and she has.  I feel so blessed to have a Dr. that is so human, kind and compassionate.  One who gets excited while looking at our baby during scans and acts as if its the first baby she's ever seen on an ultrasound screen. 

Here's What's Happening:

19 weeks!

How much does Little Bunny weigh?  9 oz

Heart Rate:  145

Maternity Clothes:  yes and no...still in the akward stage of what to wear

How I'm Feeling:  Good, despite the SI joint pain, but I'll take it!  I still experience bouts of anxiety, but I'm continuing to try and live in the moment.

Sleep:  Oh how I love my zzzz's

Weight Gain:  9 lbs.  Yikes!  I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life, but its SO worth it!  Hoping to start pre-natal YOGA next week.

Likes/Dislikes:  Love anything that is sweet and sour.  Gummy worms are still a favorite!

What I miss:  Nothing as much as what I have right now.

Best Moment(s) of the Week:
1)  Seeing Little Bunny and watching him/her move about.  It was wonderful!
1)  Feeling all of the Little Bunny's movements.  My placenta is posterior, so I am feeling lots of movement.
1)  Hubby giving Little Bunny tummy kisses and telling him/her how much he loves them and how much he is going to miss him/her while he is away traveling. 
1)  Hearing my Hubby call me Mommy

Names:  Oh my, hubby and I embarked on a name discussion during our 2.5 hour drive this past weekend.  We made very little progress.....we can't agree!  Stay tuned :)

Weekend Wedding
Last weekend, Hubby and I ventured to Arkansas to attend our good friends wedding.  The wedding was held at the beautiful Marlsgate Plantation and was breath taking.  As a designer, I was in heaven!  Well, that was until we sat outside on the walk for the ceremony.  If someone passed a memo that the ceremony was taking place outside in December I missed it!  In their defense, the forecast was to be 67 degrees and it had been warm all day....until they walked down the isle and the wind whipped off of the lake, but that was okay too.  We survived and retreated back inside to a very warm fire.  Here are a few pictures.

Marlsgate Plantation

Formal Garden-Designed by P. Allen Smith

View of the Lake

Our sweet friends saying their vows...they never even knew it was freezing!

Hubby and me huddled by the fire!
My dress is by:  Nuka and was SO comfy and fit great! 
Purchased at Nordstrom.com

Most importantly, please say a prayer for my sweet friend Shandrea, as she will be going in today, Friday for a TAC, transabdominal cerclage.  I love you Grace and know that God will be carefully guiding the hands of Dr. G and wrapping you safely in his arms.  I'm so happy for you and think you are so courageous.  xoxo

Today's Quote:  
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."



~ Unknown

Life's Happenings & 18 Weeks!

Happy Thankful Thursday Bloggie Friends!

Whew, another week has passed so quickly!  Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful and now I find myself facing the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  Where doe the time go?  I've started my shopping and have a few gifts down and more to go, but I'm making progress!

A Love that NEVER ENDS
Christmas brings about such a mixed bag of emotions for me.  I'm ever so happy to be 18 weeks pregnant and so very grateful, but part of my heart is still filled with sadness for the child that I will never know.  This week marks Christian's due date and when I realized the date had crept upon me it made me sad, as I had anticipated it for many days in advance last year.  Now that we are expecting the "little bunny" (his/her Daddy has re-named him) everything has changed...except for one thing...the love that I will ALWAYS feel for my first baby.  Christian will always be the first, no matter what, and that gives me peace in my soul.  The strength that GOD has given me to journey on is what kept me going when life seemed much too difficult to endure.  So, I say to those of you who are struggling, I know the pain, but NOW I also know the blessings.  I suppose it takes making it to the other side to reflect on the positives that come from pain.

Thank You Bree

Christmas Cards
In thinking of Christmas, I was very torn as to what to do about a Christmas card.  Each year I look forward to designing the perfect card with the perfect picture.  I agonize over colors, wording, photos, etc...Last year, there was no card for the first time in 10 years, as my heart was too broken to even think about it.  Now, this year, I feel as if I'm ready to send a card.  Yet, I was conflicted about mentioning the "little bunny".  However, in the end, I decided that his/her life should be celebrated.  I needed to allow those who love us so very much to share in our JOY.  Trust me, the decision to design a card and include that we are expecting was a VERY HARD decision and I procrastinated.  But, last Saturday morning I bit the bullet and did it!  Here is a glimpse of our card...the message was very important to me....thanking our creator for our miracle!

Christmas Card custom design by http://www.tinyprints.com/

Me and My Kindred Spirit 
Okay, I promised a couple of posts ago to give you a glimpse of me and my Kindred Spirit, so here it is!  Deni and I have known each other for more than a year and have traveled a very bumpy road together.  Together, we've jumped countless hurdles, climbed many mountains and wiped away many tears.  And when the opportunity came for me to meet her face to face I was giddy with excitement!  We had a wonderful time and I can't wait to see her again.  Love you to the Moon and Back sweet friend!

Thank You's
I wanted to give a long over due shout out to 3 of my FAB 5 friends for sending me such sweet gifts!  Nan Deni and Shandrea, you are the best!

18 Weeks! 
I can hardly believe that I have reached the 18 week mark!  Each day I continue to be grateful for this growing miracle of Life.  And to be completely honest, each time I read about the "little bunnies" progress I'm mesmerised.  What a MIRACLE!

As promised, here is the latest Bump Picture...

What's happening?
Oh my goodness!  I can feel the little bunny's movements and it's complete bliss!  They feel like little thumps from the inside and I L-O-V-E it :)  I'm so in LOVE with this baby!

Maternity Clothes?
Yes!  I can still wear some of my normal wardrobe, but am steadily adding new items to accommodate the bump.  Just this week I started using my Bella Band, well actualy the Bee Band from Target, with my jeans and its fabulous!  I recommend the Target brand, as its working well and a savings of about $10.  Other than that, I ordered a cute jersey dress and turtleneck from Pickles and Ice Cream and a dress from Nordstrom to wear to a friends wedding this weekend.

Black Turtleneck Dress by Pickles & Ice Cream

One Shoulder Metallic Dress by Nuka
from Nordstrom

How I'm Feeling?
I feel Good!  In true James Brown speak, I do feel good.  My SI joints continue to be a thorn in my side, but not constant.  And I'll take it!  Every ache and pain is worth it :)

Sleep?
I so love my sleep!  I'm sleeping well :)

Weight Gain?
About 7.5 lb's.  Yikes!  The bump has emerged!

Likes/Dislikes?
Yesterday, I discovered Sweetart Minis!  They are so delicious that I could have eaten the entire bag!  I'm also loving sweet and sour gummy worms!  Still not feeling the love for veggies, but thank goodness for V8 Vfusion.

What I Miss?
Nothing as much as what I have right now.

Belly Button
Still in, but I have a feeling....its not gonna stay that way!

Best Moment this Week
1)  Feeling the Little Bunny move...did I mention how incredible that is!
1)  Hubby giving tummy kisses everyday and belly rubs....and his re-naming the pumpkin "Little Bunny".  My Hubby's pet name for me is bunny, short for Honey Bunny.  Thus, the emergence of Little Bunny. 

Sending each of you love, hugs and prayers this week and always.  I continue to keep you in my prayers.  Please pray for my dearest friend Vickie who is like a sister to me.  I spoke with her today and she told me that her husbands cancer has metasitcised to his bones.  They have not told anyone else other than our Dr. friends.  My heart is so heavy for her and for her sweet husband....they are close friends and I told her that we would navigate this path together, she is not alone.  On a happy note, congratulations to my bloggie friend Cheryl on her new job!  Cheryl, SO HAPPY for you!

Blessings and Prayers Always,
Andrea
xxx